Notary Publics Recruited For Homeland Security

Washington DC In its ever expanding efforts to combat terrorism, the Department of Homeland Security has called upon the services of an often overlooked public official, the humble Notary Public.

"Notary Publics take an oath to defend this country and the constitution just like any soldier." explained Michael Chertoff the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. "During this time of crisis, we are calling all notaries into active duty in order to help us fight the war against terror."

Normally, a Notary Public's duties involve acting as an official witness to the signing of documents but under the new DHS guidelines the Notary's powers will be greatly expanded. Notary Publics will now be deputized in the same manner as bounty hunters, and will be given the power to arrest suspected terrorists wherever they believe them to be. Like other law enforcement officers, Notaries will not be impeded by the 4th amendment or any other part of the US Constitution, they can act with impunity, and in the event of a mistake being made, the government will issue official apologies. As an added bonus, legislation has been brought to congress making Notaries immune to all lawsuits past, present and future. Notaries will no longer be required to carry expensive bonds or insurance in exchange for their greater role as public servants.

In order to fulfill their new duties, DHS will supply all Notaries with a new arsenal of terrorist fighting supplies. The new Notary Journals will be coated with Kevlar to deflect terrorist bullets. One end of the book will be sharpened to serve as a blade in hand to hand combat. The standard Notary stamp will be replaced with a taser stamp which can apply a 75,000 volt shock along with a crisp image of the Notary's official seal. Finally, the thumbprint inker will embed a microscopic RFID chip into the thumb of every person who uses it. These chips will be monitored by satellite allowing the government to track potential terrorists with advanced GPS systems. All of these supplies will be offered to Notaries at a substantial discount through the National Notary Association.

In order to seal the deal, the Dept of Homeland Security has offered a generous incentive program for Notaries who embrace their patriotic duties. "For every suspected terrorist a Notary turns in," explained Chertoff, "a fee of 5.00 will be paid. In the event of a conviction, a generous 25% bonus will be given on top of that totaling 6.25 for the Notary. We expect to be issuing checks very soon."

February 7, 2008

Mitt Romney Quits Race to Stop the Terrorists

February 07, 2008 Washington DC In a selfless show of both party unity and concern for the welfare of his fellow Americans, Mitt Romney bowed out of the Republican presidential race today.

In a speech before the Justice League of America, Romney revealed for the first time the super powers he gained when he was CEO of the 2002 Olympic Winter Games. While he didn't reveal any specifics, it is assumed that his rich luxurious hair is bulletproof and probably deflects mind control rays.

In his speech, Romney also revealed that both Democratic rivals Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are pawns of "The Terrorists" a secretive organization of cave dwelling humanoids that manipulate the weak with their secret mind powers.

Sporting a pair of shiny red tights with the GOP logo on his chest and a flowing navy blue cape adorned with stars, Romney looked every inch the superhero. He assured us that he would not be alone in his quest, but would be joined by a recently resurrected Zombie Reagan who will not only help Romney defeat "The Terrorists" but restore hope to America once again.

"This mission of ours may take us beyond the November elections to complete." Romney announced, "and so I must suspend my campaign for the greater good. However we will be back in time for the 2012 elections. To quote my sidekick when he was still alive: 'There is no substitute for victory.'"

When asked now about his new role in world events, Zombie Reagan's only response was: "Brains."

January 23, 2008

Entrepreneur Converts Huge Stock Market Decline into Ski Slopes

January 23, 2008, Las Vegas Nevada As the Dow Jones Industrial Average continues to plummet towards new yearly lows, savvy Venture Capitalists are reaching out for a new source of revenue - the skier.

"I was looking at the Dow Jones charts for the last three months and realized that it resembled an excellent ski slope." Thomas Applebee the CEO of the new Ski Dow Inc. (NASDAQ:SLIDE) a Las Vegas based company that reproduces the Dow Jones, NASDAQ, and AMEX charts as three dimensional ski slopes by using artificially generated snow.

Applebee and his fellow investors have been dubbed the "Snow Bears" because their scheme is dependent on the continual decline of the Stock Market. "People tell us that the market won't go down forever, " Applebee said, "but right now it's in a long term slide with only occasional bumps to give the skiers a thrill."

When asked about future plans for Ski Dow, Applebee wasn't very specific. "We're still researching other potential slopes. We had hoped to introduce the US Dollar slope next year, but so far the slope is far too steep for anyone to ski it.

December 9, 2007

Obama Declares Oprah As His Running Mate

Columbia, South Carolina - On the heels of his largest campaign audience ever, Senator Barack Obama stunned country this evening by announcing that Oprah Winfrey would be his running mate on the Democratic ticket.

Pundits were divided as to whether this was a shrewd move on the Senator's part or a further proof of his political naivete. "It's sheer genius!" Said Paul Gluckman, a political columnist for the NY Times. "It's following in the tradition of Reagan, Clint Eastwood and Arnold Schwarzenegger, but Oprah is bigger and better than all of them."

Chief among critics have been Obama's political opponents, particularly Hillary Clinton who upon hearing the news commented: "It's absolutely absurd! You wouldn't catch me using someone's celebrity status to further my own campaign ambitions."

Across the country, Obama's popularity has rocketed, easily surpassing Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton. In fact, a new Zogby poll due out tomorrow shows that the Obama-Winfrey ticket would not only win an election being held today, but they would beat all other candidates combined, be the next American Idol and the last Survivor.

Republican rivals are scrambling to try and match the star power of the new ticket. Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has asked radio commentator Rush Limbaugh to be his running mate, while Senator John McCain has asked rapper Jay-Z to be his Vice President. While there has been no official word from Jay-Z yet, a reporter caught John McCain rehearsing "Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem) "in an Iowa a men's room.

As lawmakers become concerned that unqualified people might find themselves elected to the Whitehouse, Hollywood agents are now taking courses in political science. "You want to follow your star to the top." Harry Elcrow said, a former agent for California Governor Arnold Schwarzennegger, "it's not enough to be a leading man or leading lady anymore, you need to be a leader as well, and the right agent can be right there as the next Karl Rove."

November 23, 2007

Publisher Confirms Bush Unknowingly Knew Nothing

November 23, 2007, WASHINGTON - Scott McClellan shocked the country earlier this week by releasing a teaser from his upcoming book: In A World Of Stooges, I Was Barely The Second Curly" McClellan stated that he "unknowingly passed on false information" and named "the president himself" as one of the people who passed this information. But after a brief visit from the NSA, Peter Osnos editor and chief of Public Affairs Books has promised that McClellan "did not intend to suggest that Bush lied to him."

"In fact," Osnos states: "Scott has made it clear to me that Bush knew nothing of any events taking place within his administration, and any information passed onto Scott was done only knowing that he wasn't aware of having any knowledge of knowing the words that were flowing from his lips. Furthermore, the President was in an altered state of consciousness during the writing of any memos, therefore knew not what he had written nor does he know not whether what he wrote was actually what was given to Scott McClellan at the time."

When asked to clarify his statements Mr. Osnos held up two heavily bandaged fingers and simply said: "I have to go now."

A later press release from Public Affairs Books has noted that the book is being rechecked for accuracy and promises that it will be a glowing memoir of life in the most honest and dignified Administration in history.

November 6, 2007

Chinese Satellite Momentarily Blocks Alien Mind Control Ray

Washington DC, Transmissions from the Chinese satellite that recently entered lunar orbit interfered with an alien mind control device which is situated on the dark side of the Moon. The interference only lasted about forty five minutes, but managed to cause great chaos in Congress as many Republicans found themselves able to think independently for the first time in years.

The interruption took place as Congressman Dennis Kucinich was bringing HR. 333 to the floor, a resolution to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney. Republicans, who were expected to vote in favor of tabling the resolution found themselves suddenly able to think again, and began changing their votes in favor of debating the issue.

The change was short lived though, as soon as the secret alien overlords caught on to what was happening, they changed transmission frequencies and the Republicans in Congress slipped back into their customary drooling stupor.

Dennis Kucinich may have scored a small political victory, as the resolution was ordered to the House Judiciary committee where it may yet get a full hearing. However it is unlikely that the measure will ever reach the House floor, as the Republican members of Congress began chanting the word "Brains!" and attacking their Democratic rivals.

October 31, 2007

Diplomatic SWAT Team Sent to Rescue Rumsfeld

Breaking News... Washington D.C. Hot on the heels of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's brush with French authorities, the US State Department is launching a bold new diplomatic rescue effort.

The diplomatic SWAT team is the brainchild of Karen Hughes who resigned her position as the head of the State Department's Public Diplomacy Operation, so that she may head up the rescue effort herself.

"This is what we've been training for for years." Hugh's said to reporters "U.S. Officials, whether active or retired are not subject to international law, and my team has the expertise for these types of situations."

While the details of the diplomatic SWAT team are officially top secret. It is believed that it consists of twelve State Department diplomats, whom have received training in everything from Ninja pen throwing to hyper-doublespeak. It is known that over forty candidates were sent to the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation for training between 2005 and 2006, two of whom were injured in when their armored briefcases failed to stop incoming bullets.

The SWAT team has it's work cut out for them though as nobody is quite sure of Rumsfeld's current location. It's believed that he maybe hiding in an underground bunker in Berlin, but that report is still unverified.

When asked how the SWAT team would respond if Rumsfeld is taken into custody by French or other European authorities, Hughes simply replied. "That is not an option." then pulled her Ninja mask over her head and disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

October 28, 2007

FEMA Takes Back Apology for Phony Press Conference

Washington, DC, On the heels of it's own apology for holding a phony news conference last Tuesday, FEMA Deputy Administrator Harvey Johnson announced Sunday that he was taking back his apology claiming that he was only following standard White House procedures.

Citing such personalities as Jeff Gannon, the Republican operative and former gay prostitute who was accepted into the White House Press Corps, Johnson stated that it has been U.S. government policy for almost seven years to hold phony news conferences. "Frankly, I don't understand why everyone's so upset." He stated, "it's as if I just informed everyone that Santa Claus is a myth or that the government is monitoring your bathroom habits."

Quick to respond to this latest crisis, Michael Chertoff, the head of Homeland Security which has authority over FEMA stated that while it was true that Johnson had only been following standard government procedures, it was also standard procedure in these cases to blame a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.

Michael Chertoff stepped in personally to remove Mr. Johnson of his name badge and FEMA Vest, and informed him that he could no longer tell people about FEMA's fried pickles. He was then sent overseas to an undisclosed location for re-Neducation.

Congress also acted swiftly to chastise Mr. Johnson for his remarks. Rep. Jerry Lewis (R) put forth an amendment condemning Mr. Johnson for his remarks about Santa Claus. The measure was quickly challenged by Speaker Nancy Pelosi who accused the Representative Lewis of wasting the Congress's time. She did allow the vote however which passed overwhelmingly 341-79.

October 20, 2007

FCC Allows Commercialization of Emergency Vehicle Frequencies

Washington, D.C., The FCC in a bold move today announced it's intention to license emergency vehicle frequencies as well as other frequencies used by municipalities around the country, for commercial use. Frequencies ranging from the 30.100 through the 900k range will be offered up to commercial media outlets under special conditions.

"It became obvious to us," said FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, "that there is a great deal of dead airtime on these frequencies, so much sometimes that police officers, fire fighters and EMT's need to periodically check their equipment to ensure that it is working." The solution, according to Mr. Martin is to license the bands to corporations that will provide a variety of music and talk entertainment. The broadcasts will be suppressed when an emergency call is coming through, but otherwise it will provide non-stop entertainment for what is often a stressful and exhausting job.

The new plan requires approval by Congress, and Democratic leaders have expressed from doubts. "If we find this proposal to be detrimental in any way," said Speaker Pelosi, "we will put on a big show of stopping it and pass it nevertheless."

Shares of Clear Channel Communications (NYSE CCU), the nation's largest media holder, jumped 10% on the release of the news.

John McNally: Contributing Writer

October 14, 2007

CIA Headquarters Disappears in Recursive Quantum Loop

McLean, VA. The Central Intelligence Agency in a strange combination of attempts to avoid admitting they had engaged in torture, accidentally created a recursive quantum loop which caused the organization and its employees to disappear from this universe into parts unknown.

The problem began when CIA Director Michael Hayden created a committee to investigate the investigator who had been appointed to investigate the CIA Inspector General John Helgerson. The IG it seems had written a report criticizing the CIA's use of torture, rendition and the strange habit of putting mustard on their Freedom Fries. Dissatisfied with these unflattering reports, Hayden appointed a special investigator to investigate the Inspector General with the understanding that the IG was to be found at fault for everything since the Bay of Pigs Invasion in 1962.

Problems arose however when the Special Investigator reported back that there was nothing wrong with Inspector General John Heigerson's methods or conclusions. Hayden reportedly "blew a gasket" and accused the Inspector of being in league with the terrorists and hating America. Hayden then began forming a committee of investigators to get to the bottom of the whole affair which of course didn't really exist.

This is where quantum physics and the conscious universe stepped in. Since the ultimate goal of these investigations was non-existent, Hayden was essentially trying to divide by zero. The universe will only tolerate such nonsense for so long, and promptly drop kicked the entire organization into a more tolerant and forgiving universe.

As the full impact of this cosmic event takes effect, the entire history of the CIA will soon evaporate into the ether as if it never existed. The upside for the US economy will be a surge in funds, as the money formerly spent on Black Budget operations since it's founding in 1947 will now be incorporated back into the U.S. Treasury, causing an estimated surplus of 30 trillion dollars.

Since our memories of the organization will soon be erased as well, the White House has chosen not to comment on the event, but President Bush has already earmarked the 30 trillion dollars for tax relief for the struggling top 1%.