Republican Debate Brings Innovative Ideas
Dearborn, Michigan, Last night's Republican Party debate broke with the usual banter of who's really going to lower taxes and why Social Security is to blame for Global Warming, to introduce some innovative ideas to deal with the country's increasing financial woes. While all the candidates agreed that the economy was fine, each of the major candidates had a unique approach for increasing federal revenue while continuing to lower taxes for the top 1%.
"Corporate Sponsorship of Federal buildings and National Monuments." Mitt Romney announced, feeling that he had trumped his rivals. "I already have bids from AT&T, McDonalds and Haliburton for corporate sponsorship of the Whitehouse. This will include a large neon sign flashing the logo of the sponsor in that wasted space on the roof of the Whitehouse where the flag currently resides.
Praising the booming prison industry, former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani advocated a newer, entry level police force. "These locally organized Neighborhood Watches would be organized by Block Captains and Watch Masters, who would then report to their local police. They would be the eyes and ears of the community, earning a commission for each crime they reported leading to a successful arrest."
John McCain promised to solve the nation's growing unemployment problem by offering a series of low cost college education courses on how people can make money with EBay. "Currently 50,000 people are making a living on EBAY, and they aren't burdening the corporate infrastructure with unneeded medical benefits either."
Mike Huckabee suggested eliminating income taxes all together and replacing them with a "porn tax." "It's a shameful secret that internet porn is the biggest industry in our country right now." Huckabee said, "I propose we tax it on a tiered scale, with nudie pictures at the lower end and disgusting homosexual and bisexual activity at the highest tier.
Sam Brownback outlined a detailed plan based on the Dept of Defense's "Base Reassignment and Closures" which consolidated military operations around the country. "My plan is to merge broad sections of government to make them more cost effective and efficient. Our 400+ Congressmen and women do not need to be physically in Washington for example, so I propose we merge them with the Forest Service and station them in our National Parks with a cell phone so that they can phone in their votes. Furthermore, it's become obvious that neither the FAA or the FCC does very much anymore, and both organizations involve the airways, so I propose combining them." Brownback went on further to explain that he would merge the IRS with the Dept of Transportation, creating convenient tax collecting on public roadways and the Dept of Immigration with NASA, since both organizations deal with aliens.
The only big disappointment in the debate was newcomer Fred Thompson, who fell asleep twice and mumbled something about rising unemployment being tied to international Furby trade and that the motor of the economy was driven by a small school of carp.
When asked to elaborate on this Mr. Thompson simply said "Yes." and then took another nap.
"Corporate Sponsorship of Federal buildings and National Monuments." Mitt Romney announced, feeling that he had trumped his rivals. "I already have bids from AT&T, McDonalds and Haliburton for corporate sponsorship of the Whitehouse. This will include a large neon sign flashing the logo of the sponsor in that wasted space on the roof of the Whitehouse where the flag currently resides.
Praising the booming prison industry, former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani advocated a newer, entry level police force. "These locally organized Neighborhood Watches would be organized by Block Captains and Watch Masters, who would then report to their local police. They would be the eyes and ears of the community, earning a commission for each crime they reported leading to a successful arrest."
John McCain promised to solve the nation's growing unemployment problem by offering a series of low cost college education courses on how people can make money with EBay. "Currently 50,000 people are making a living on EBAY, and they aren't burdening the corporate infrastructure with unneeded medical benefits either."
Mike Huckabee suggested eliminating income taxes all together and replacing them with a "porn tax." "It's a shameful secret that internet porn is the biggest industry in our country right now." Huckabee said, "I propose we tax it on a tiered scale, with nudie pictures at the lower end and disgusting homosexual and bisexual activity at the highest tier.
Sam Brownback outlined a detailed plan based on the Dept of Defense's "Base Reassignment and Closures" which consolidated military operations around the country. "My plan is to merge broad sections of government to make them more cost effective and efficient. Our 400+ Congressmen and women do not need to be physically in Washington for example, so I propose we merge them with the Forest Service and station them in our National Parks with a cell phone so that they can phone in their votes. Furthermore, it's become obvious that neither the FAA or the FCC does very much anymore, and both organizations involve the airways, so I propose combining them." Brownback went on further to explain that he would merge the IRS with the Dept of Transportation, creating convenient tax collecting on public roadways and the Dept of Immigration with NASA, since both organizations deal with aliens.
The only big disappointment in the debate was newcomer Fred Thompson, who fell asleep twice and mumbled something about rising unemployment being tied to international Furby trade and that the motor of the economy was driven by a small school of carp.
When asked to elaborate on this Mr. Thompson simply said "Yes." and then took another nap.
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