Undead Protest the Secularization of Halloween

Pittsburg, Pennsylvania, Oct 7 - Traditionally Halloween was known as the thinning of the veil between the living and the dead, a time when those who have passed on could return to the Earth in a variety of undead forms. Today however, Halloween is more likely to be associated with candy, costume parties and in many cities drunken revelry.

While some Christian groups complain about the satanic elements of the holiday, a large but often ignored group is angered at the loss of horror in the annual holiday.

"It's all ween and no Hallow!" complains Arthur Skornick a zombie who died in 1918 and now heads the Conservative Halloween Undead Defenders. "It's this darned multiculturalism it's ruining traditional society! Schools around the country are now holding Fall-o-ween celebrations and won't allow any depiction of undead individuals, be they zombies, ghosts or vampires."

Indeed, such schools as Roosevelt Elementary in Binghamton, NY have canceled traditional Halloween celebrations and replaced them with Falloween celebrations. The children are not allowed to wear any costumes depicting monsters or anything violent, nor can they dress up as witches or wizards.

Skornick has tried to file a lawsuit against Roosevelt Elementary however U.S. law does not recognize the undead as citizens. "It's discrimination pure and simple." Skornick commented.

The ramifications of these sorts of celebrations appears to be a loss of respect for undead beings. Ghost are now portrayed as "friendly" like Casper, and werewolves have been declawed by such movies as "Teen Wolf" and even the fearsome Dracula has been defanged by such cute characters as the Muppet's Count. This along with the increase in teenage partying on Halloween has led to an erosion of human - undead relations.

"With the drinking and the drugs there's no proper fear anymore either. Last year my friends and I caught a group of teenagers partying in a field As I crept up on this girl to bite her and eat her brains, she turned around and kissed me right on the mouth! It was disgusting! All that warm living flesh, UGH! And then she has the nerve to tell me I need a breath mint! I mean we invented the term death breath for a reason you know."

When asked what recourse the Conservative Halloween Undead Defenders had Mr. Skornick replied: "Well we're not going to roll over and play dead I tell you what! We're immortal and we have a lot of brains, in fact we eat more every day. Ultimately, everyone joins us and when we have a majority, we'll be able to affect some real changes in society."