Mitt Romney Quits Race to Stop the Terrorists
February 07, 2008 Washington DC In a selfless show of both party unity and concern for the welfare of his fellow Americans, Mitt Romney bowed out of the Republican presidential race today.
In a speech before the Justice League of America, Romney revealed for the first time the super powers he gained when he was CEO of the 2002 Olympic Winter Games. While he didn't reveal any specifics, it is assumed that his rich luxurious hair is bulletproof and probably deflects mind control rays.
In his speech, Romney also revealed that both Democratic rivals Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are pawns of "The Terrorists" a secretive organization of cave dwelling humanoids that manipulate the weak with their secret mind powers.
Sporting a pair of shiny red tights with the GOP logo on his chest and a flowing navy blue cape adorned with stars, Romney looked every inch the superhero. He assured us that he would not be alone in his quest, but would be joined by a recently resurrected Zombie Reagan who will not only help Romney defeat "The Terrorists" but restore hope to America once again.
"This mission of ours may take us beyond the November elections to complete." Romney announced, "and so I must suspend my campaign for the greater good. However we will be back in time for the 2012 elections. To quote my sidekick when he was still alive: 'There is no substitute for victory.'"
When asked now about his new role in world events, Zombie Reagan's only response was: "Brains."
In a speech before the Justice League of America, Romney revealed for the first time the super powers he gained when he was CEO of the 2002 Olympic Winter Games. While he didn't reveal any specifics, it is assumed that his rich luxurious hair is bulletproof and probably deflects mind control rays.
In his speech, Romney also revealed that both Democratic rivals Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are pawns of "The Terrorists" a secretive organization of cave dwelling humanoids that manipulate the weak with their secret mind powers.
Sporting a pair of shiny red tights with the GOP logo on his chest and a flowing navy blue cape adorned with stars, Romney looked every inch the superhero. He assured us that he would not be alone in his quest, but would be joined by a recently resurrected Zombie Reagan who will not only help Romney defeat "The Terrorists" but restore hope to America once again.
"This mission of ours may take us beyond the November elections to complete." Romney announced, "and so I must suspend my campaign for the greater good. However we will be back in time for the 2012 elections. To quote my sidekick when he was still alive: 'There is no substitute for victory.'"
When asked now about his new role in world events, Zombie Reagan's only response was: "Brains."
posted by John at
9:55 PM
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