Republican Party Galvanizes Around Dijon-Gate
A seemingly innocent choice of condiments has erupted into a nationwide scandal, and has finally given Republicans a rallying cry against the Obama administration. After months and months of failed attacks on his acquaintances, his religion, and his citizenship, the Republicans have found something that sticks: Dijon Mustard.
Until now Barack Obama has been the Teflon President, deflecting a constant string of right-wing attacks and accusations with style, grace and humor. The more rabid his political opponents became, the more Barck Obama shined; however, that all came crashing down this weekend when his All-American image was shattered by his ordering of Dijon Mustard on a cheeseburger.
Right wing pundits pounced causing Kraft Foods stock sym KFT (the makers of Grey Poupon) to plunge in early trading. Short selling was quickly halted on the stock, and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner called a press conference to inform the country that TARP funds would be used to shore up Kraft Foods stock. Geithner stated: "With products like Grey Poupon and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the company is too tasty to fail." The stock soared in late trading, but the fallout of Dijon-gate has only just begun.
"This is the biggest scandal since Whitewater!" Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell shouted on the Senate floor, holding a bottle of French's yellow mustard in one hand and a hot dog in the other. "I demand a specical commission be appointed to examine this obvious French-Socialist influence on our governement!"
A similar proposal was made in the House by Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who further suggested that the eating of mustard on anything but hot dogs was an strong indicator of Socialist infiltration into the mind of the eater. She demanded an immediate investigation into all of the "Dijon Democrats." Both proposals were of course voted down by the Democrats, but not without loud accusations of cover up by the Republicans.
"This is not over!" House Minority Leader John Boehner promised in an afternoon press conference. "The Republican party will employ an outside independent investigation, headed by CRC Public Relations, a patriotic firm with no political affiliations whatsoever." When a reporter pointed out that CRC Public Relations was the company behind the Swift Boat ads against John Kerry in 2004, security immediately had her ejected from the news conference and Boehner described her as a "Dijon Demmie spy."
Former presidential candidates and 2012 hopefuls, Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee also weighed in: Sarah Palin smiled before the cameras with a moose dog in one hand and a bottle of yellow mustard in the other. "If yellow mustard was good enough for our founding fathers, it's good enough for me." In a separate news conference Mike Huckabee stated: "The devil may have created dijon mustard, but it was God's will that Obama put it on his cheeseburger and exposed his corrupt nature for all the world to see."
Until now Barack Obama has been the Teflon President, deflecting a constant string of right-wing attacks and accusations with style, grace and humor. The more rabid his political opponents became, the more Barck Obama shined; however, that all came crashing down this weekend when his All-American image was shattered by his ordering of Dijon Mustard on a cheeseburger.
Right wing pundits pounced causing Kraft Foods stock sym KFT (the makers of Grey Poupon) to plunge in early trading. Short selling was quickly halted on the stock, and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner called a press conference to inform the country that TARP funds would be used to shore up Kraft Foods stock. Geithner stated: "With products like Grey Poupon and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the company is too tasty to fail." The stock soared in late trading, but the fallout of Dijon-gate has only just begun.
"This is the biggest scandal since Whitewater!" Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell shouted on the Senate floor, holding a bottle of French's yellow mustard in one hand and a hot dog in the other. "I demand a specical commission be appointed to examine this obvious French-Socialist influence on our governement!"
A similar proposal was made in the House by Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who further suggested that the eating of mustard on anything but hot dogs was an strong indicator of Socialist infiltration into the mind of the eater. She demanded an immediate investigation into all of the "Dijon Democrats." Both proposals were of course voted down by the Democrats, but not without loud accusations of cover up by the Republicans.
"This is not over!" House Minority Leader John Boehner promised in an afternoon press conference. "The Republican party will employ an outside independent investigation, headed by CRC Public Relations, a patriotic firm with no political affiliations whatsoever." When a reporter pointed out that CRC Public Relations was the company behind the Swift Boat ads against John Kerry in 2004, security immediately had her ejected from the news conference and Boehner described her as a "Dijon Demmie spy."
Former presidential candidates and 2012 hopefuls, Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee also weighed in: Sarah Palin smiled before the cameras with a moose dog in one hand and a bottle of yellow mustard in the other. "If yellow mustard was good enough for our founding fathers, it's good enough for me." In a separate news conference Mike Huckabee stated: "The devil may have created dijon mustard, but it was God's will that Obama put it on his cheeseburger and exposed his corrupt nature for all the world to see."
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
10:53 AM
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