Diplomatic SWAT Team Sent to Rescue Rumsfeld
Breaking News... Washington D.C. Hot on the heels of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's brush with French authorities, the US State Department is launching a bold new diplomatic rescue effort.
The diplomatic SWAT team is the brainchild of Karen Hughes who resigned her position as the head of the State Department's Public Diplomacy Operation, so that she may head up the rescue effort herself.
"This is what we've been training for for years." Hugh's said to reporters "U.S. Officials, whether active or retired are not subject to international law, and my team has the expertise for these types of situations."
While the details of the diplomatic SWAT team are officially top secret. It is believed that it consists of twelve State Department diplomats, whom have received training in everything from Ninja pen throwing to hyper-doublespeak. It is known that over forty candidates were sent to the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation for training between 2005 and 2006, two of whom were injured in when their armored briefcases failed to stop incoming bullets.
The SWAT team has it's work cut out for them though as nobody is quite sure of Rumsfeld's current location. It's believed that he maybe hiding in an underground bunker in Berlin, but that report is still unverified.
When asked how the SWAT team would respond if Rumsfeld is taken into custody by French or other European authorities, Hughes simply replied. "That is not an option." then pulled her Ninja mask over her head and disappeared into a cloud of smoke.
The diplomatic SWAT team is the brainchild of Karen Hughes who resigned her position as the head of the State Department's Public Diplomacy Operation, so that she may head up the rescue effort herself.
"This is what we've been training for for years." Hugh's said to reporters "U.S. Officials, whether active or retired are not subject to international law, and my team has the expertise for these types of situations."
While the details of the diplomatic SWAT team are officially top secret. It is believed that it consists of twelve State Department diplomats, whom have received training in everything from Ninja pen throwing to hyper-doublespeak. It is known that over forty candidates were sent to the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation for training between 2005 and 2006, two of whom were injured in when their armored briefcases failed to stop incoming bullets.
The SWAT team has it's work cut out for them though as nobody is quite sure of Rumsfeld's current location. It's believed that he maybe hiding in an underground bunker in Berlin, but that report is still unverified.
When asked how the SWAT team would respond if Rumsfeld is taken into custody by French or other European authorities, Hughes simply replied. "That is not an option." then pulled her Ninja mask over her head and disappeared into a cloud of smoke.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
5:20 PM
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October 28, 2007
FEMA Takes Back Apology for Phony Press Conference
Washington, DC, On the heels of it's own apology for holding a phony news conference last Tuesday, FEMA Deputy Administrator Harvey Johnson announced Sunday that he was taking back his apology claiming that he was only following standard White House procedures.
Citing such personalities as Jeff Gannon, the Republican operative and former gay prostitute who was accepted into the White House Press Corps, Johnson stated that it has been U.S. government policy for almost seven years to hold phony news conferences. "Frankly, I don't understand why everyone's so upset." He stated, "it's as if I just informed everyone that Santa Claus is a myth or that the government is monitoring your bathroom habits."
Quick to respond to this latest crisis, Michael Chertoff, the head of Homeland Security which has authority over FEMA stated that while it was true that Johnson had only been following standard government procedures, it was also standard procedure in these cases to blame a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.
Michael Chertoff stepped in personally to remove Mr. Johnson of his name badge and FEMA Vest, and informed him that he could no longer tell people about FEMA's fried pickles. He was then sent overseas to an undisclosed location for re-Neducation.
Congress also acted swiftly to chastise Mr. Johnson for his remarks. Rep. Jerry Lewis (R) put forth an amendment condemning Mr. Johnson for his remarks about Santa Claus. The measure was quickly challenged by Speaker Nancy Pelosi who accused the Representative Lewis of wasting the Congress's time. She did allow the vote however which passed overwhelmingly 341-79.
Citing such personalities as Jeff Gannon, the Republican operative and former gay prostitute who was accepted into the White House Press Corps, Johnson stated that it has been U.S. government policy for almost seven years to hold phony news conferences. "Frankly, I don't understand why everyone's so upset." He stated, "it's as if I just informed everyone that Santa Claus is a myth or that the government is monitoring your bathroom habits."
Quick to respond to this latest crisis, Michael Chertoff, the head of Homeland Security which has authority over FEMA stated that while it was true that Johnson had only been following standard government procedures, it was also standard procedure in these cases to blame a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.
Michael Chertoff stepped in personally to remove Mr. Johnson of his name badge and FEMA Vest, and informed him that he could no longer tell people about FEMA's fried pickles. He was then sent overseas to an undisclosed location for re-Neducation.
Congress also acted swiftly to chastise Mr. Johnson for his remarks. Rep. Jerry Lewis (R) put forth an amendment condemning Mr. Johnson for his remarks about Santa Claus. The measure was quickly challenged by Speaker Nancy Pelosi who accused the Representative Lewis of wasting the Congress's time. She did allow the vote however which passed overwhelmingly 341-79.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
8:32 PM
2 Comments
October 20, 2007
FCC Allows Commercialization of Emergency Vehicle Frequencies
Washington, D.C., The FCC in a bold move today announced it's intention to license emergency vehicle frequencies as well as other frequencies used by municipalities around the country, for commercial use. Frequencies ranging from the 30.100 through the 900k range will be offered up to commercial media outlets under special conditions.
"It became obvious to us," said FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, "that there is a great deal of dead airtime on these frequencies, so much sometimes that police officers, fire fighters and EMT's need to periodically check their equipment to ensure that it is working." The solution, according to Mr. Martin is to license the bands to corporations that will provide a variety of music and talk entertainment. The broadcasts will be suppressed when an emergency call is coming through, but otherwise it will provide non-stop entertainment for what is often a stressful and exhausting job.
The new plan requires approval by Congress, and Democratic leaders have expressed from doubts. "If we find this proposal to be detrimental in any way," said Speaker Pelosi, "we will put on a big show of stopping it and pass it nevertheless."
Shares of Clear Channel Communications (NYSE CCU), the nation's largest media holder, jumped 10% on the release of the news.
John McNally: Contributing Writer
"It became obvious to us," said FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, "that there is a great deal of dead airtime on these frequencies, so much sometimes that police officers, fire fighters and EMT's need to periodically check their equipment to ensure that it is working." The solution, according to Mr. Martin is to license the bands to corporations that will provide a variety of music and talk entertainment. The broadcasts will be suppressed when an emergency call is coming through, but otherwise it will provide non-stop entertainment for what is often a stressful and exhausting job.
The new plan requires approval by Congress, and Democratic leaders have expressed from doubts. "If we find this proposal to be detrimental in any way," said Speaker Pelosi, "we will put on a big show of stopping it and pass it nevertheless."
Shares of Clear Channel Communications (NYSE CCU), the nation's largest media holder, jumped 10% on the release of the news.
John McNally: Contributing Writer
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
9:13 PM
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October 14, 2007
CIA Headquarters Disappears in Recursive Quantum Loop
McLean, VA. The Central Intelligence Agency in a strange combination of attempts to avoid admitting they had engaged in torture, accidentally created a recursive quantum loop which caused the organization and its employees to disappear from this universe into parts unknown.The problem began when CIA Director Michael Hayden created a committee to investigate the investigator who had been appointed to investigate the CIA Inspector General John Helgerson. The IG it seems had written a report criticizing the CIA's use of torture, rendition and the strange habit of putting mustard on their Freedom Fries. Dissatisfied with these unflattering reports, Hayden appointed a special investigator to investigate the Inspector General with the understanding that the IG was to be found at fault for everything since the Bay of Pigs Invasion in 1962.
Problems arose however when the Special Investigator reported back that there was nothing wrong with Inspector General John Heigerson's methods or conclusions. Hayden reportedly "blew a gasket" and accused the Inspector of being in league with the terrorists and hating America. Hayden then began forming a committee of investigators to get to the bottom of the whole affair which of course didn't really exist.
This is where quantum physics and the conscious universe stepped in. Since the ultimate goal of these investigations was non-existent, Hayden was essentially trying to divide by zero. The universe will only tolerate such nonsense for so long, and promptly drop kicked the entire organization into a more tolerant and forgiving universe.
As the full impact of this cosmic event takes effect, the entire history of the CIA will soon evaporate into the ether as if it never existed. The upside for the US economy will be a surge in funds, as the money formerly spent on Black Budget operations since it's founding in 1947 will now be incorporated back into the U.S. Treasury, causing an estimated surplus of 30 trillion dollars.
Since our memories of the organization will soon be erased as well, the White House has chosen not to comment on the event, but President Bush has already earmarked the 30 trillion dollars for tax relief for the struggling top 1%.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
3:24 PM
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October 10, 2007
Republican Debate Brings Innovative Ideas
Dearborn, Michigan, Last night's Republican Party debate broke with the usual banter of who's really going to lower taxes and why Social Security is to blame for Global Warming, to introduce some innovative ideas to deal with the country's increasing financial woes. While all the candidates agreed that the economy was fine, each of the major candidates had a unique approach for increasing federal revenue while continuing to lower taxes for the top 1%.
"Corporate Sponsorship of Federal buildings and National Monuments." Mitt Romney announced, feeling that he had trumped his rivals. "I already have bids from AT&T, McDonalds and Haliburton for corporate sponsorship of the Whitehouse. This will include a large neon sign flashing the logo of the sponsor in that wasted space on the roof of the Whitehouse where the flag currently resides.
Praising the booming prison industry, former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani advocated a newer, entry level police force. "These locally organized Neighborhood Watches would be organized by Block Captains and Watch Masters, who would then report to their local police. They would be the eyes and ears of the community, earning a commission for each crime they reported leading to a successful arrest."
John McCain promised to solve the nation's growing unemployment problem by offering a series of low cost college education courses on how people can make money with EBay. "Currently 50,000 people are making a living on EBAY, and they aren't burdening the corporate infrastructure with unneeded medical benefits either."
Mike Huckabee suggested eliminating income taxes all together and replacing them with a "porn tax." "It's a shameful secret that internet porn is the biggest industry in our country right now." Huckabee said, "I propose we tax it on a tiered scale, with nudie pictures at the lower end and disgusting homosexual and bisexual activity at the highest tier.
Sam Brownback outlined a detailed plan based on the Dept of Defense's "Base Reassignment and Closures" which consolidated military operations around the country. "My plan is to merge broad sections of government to make them more cost effective and efficient. Our 400+ Congressmen and women do not need to be physically in Washington for example, so I propose we merge them with the Forest Service and station them in our National Parks with a cell phone so that they can phone in their votes. Furthermore, it's become obvious that neither the FAA or the FCC does very much anymore, and both organizations involve the airways, so I propose combining them." Brownback went on further to explain that he would merge the IRS with the Dept of Transportation, creating convenient tax collecting on public roadways and the Dept of Immigration with NASA, since both organizations deal with aliens.
The only big disappointment in the debate was newcomer Fred Thompson, who fell asleep twice and mumbled something about rising unemployment being tied to international Furby trade and that the motor of the economy was driven by a small school of carp.
When asked to elaborate on this Mr. Thompson simply said "Yes." and then took another nap.
"Corporate Sponsorship of Federal buildings and National Monuments." Mitt Romney announced, feeling that he had trumped his rivals. "I already have bids from AT&T, McDonalds and Haliburton for corporate sponsorship of the Whitehouse. This will include a large neon sign flashing the logo of the sponsor in that wasted space on the roof of the Whitehouse where the flag currently resides.
Praising the booming prison industry, former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani advocated a newer, entry level police force. "These locally organized Neighborhood Watches would be organized by Block Captains and Watch Masters, who would then report to their local police. They would be the eyes and ears of the community, earning a commission for each crime they reported leading to a successful arrest."
John McCain promised to solve the nation's growing unemployment problem by offering a series of low cost college education courses on how people can make money with EBay. "Currently 50,000 people are making a living on EBAY, and they aren't burdening the corporate infrastructure with unneeded medical benefits either."
Mike Huckabee suggested eliminating income taxes all together and replacing them with a "porn tax." "It's a shameful secret that internet porn is the biggest industry in our country right now." Huckabee said, "I propose we tax it on a tiered scale, with nudie pictures at the lower end and disgusting homosexual and bisexual activity at the highest tier.
Sam Brownback outlined a detailed plan based on the Dept of Defense's "Base Reassignment and Closures" which consolidated military operations around the country. "My plan is to merge broad sections of government to make them more cost effective and efficient. Our 400+ Congressmen and women do not need to be physically in Washington for example, so I propose we merge them with the Forest Service and station them in our National Parks with a cell phone so that they can phone in their votes. Furthermore, it's become obvious that neither the FAA or the FCC does very much anymore, and both organizations involve the airways, so I propose combining them." Brownback went on further to explain that he would merge the IRS with the Dept of Transportation, creating convenient tax collecting on public roadways and the Dept of Immigration with NASA, since both organizations deal with aliens.
The only big disappointment in the debate was newcomer Fred Thompson, who fell asleep twice and mumbled something about rising unemployment being tied to international Furby trade and that the motor of the economy was driven by a small school of carp.
When asked to elaborate on this Mr. Thompson simply said "Yes." and then took another nap.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
11:17 AM
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October 8, 2007
Scientists Propose Giant Mirrors To Protect Earth From Invasion
London, England Under the flimsy guise of protecting the Earth from an asteroid collision, a multinational taskforce of scientists have devised a plan to protect the planet from an impending invasion by a ancient alien overlord.
The plan, called the Rogue Alien Defense Initiative will send a small fleet of ships into orbit around the Earth. These ships will deploy an array of 5000 mirrors which will reflect the image of the oncoming fleet, fooling them into believing the Earth is well protected.
"We realize that it's a long shot," said Dr. Orville Hibbard, but it's the best chance we have to save the planet."
While some critics claim there is no evidence to believe there will be such an attack, those in the know have already began building bunkers to protect themselves. Those who don't believe in the existence of the evil alien overlord cannot deny the fact that merely speaking his name can bring on army of hostile lawyers armed with copyright infringements.
The estimated cost for this grandiose project is fifty billion dollars and thirty two cents. "The majority of the funding will come from the U.S. government" explained Dr. Hibbard. "The project was quietly slipped into the the SBX missile defense system budget. They didn't nickname it Star Wars for nothing."
And if the ruse fails and the Alien Overlord who must not be named invades Earth anyway?
"Then none of this really matters does it? It's win-win all around."
John McNally contributing writer
The plan, called the Rogue Alien Defense Initiative will send a small fleet of ships into orbit around the Earth. These ships will deploy an array of 5000 mirrors which will reflect the image of the oncoming fleet, fooling them into believing the Earth is well protected.
"We realize that it's a long shot," said Dr. Orville Hibbard, but it's the best chance we have to save the planet."
While some critics claim there is no evidence to believe there will be such an attack, those in the know have already began building bunkers to protect themselves. Those who don't believe in the existence of the evil alien overlord cannot deny the fact that merely speaking his name can bring on army of hostile lawyers armed with copyright infringements.
The estimated cost for this grandiose project is fifty billion dollars and thirty two cents. "The majority of the funding will come from the U.S. government" explained Dr. Hibbard. "The project was quietly slipped into the the SBX missile defense system budget. They didn't nickname it Star Wars for nothing."
And if the ruse fails and the Alien Overlord who must not be named invades Earth anyway?
"Then none of this really matters does it? It's win-win all around."
John McNally contributing writer
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
11:00 PM
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October 6, 2007
Undead Protest the Secularization of Halloween
Pittsburg, Pennsylvania, Oct 7 - Traditionally Halloween was known as the thinning of the veil between the living and the dead, a time when those who have passed on could return to the Earth in a variety of undead forms. Today however, Halloween is more likely to be associated with candy, costume parties and in many cities drunken revelry.
While some Christian groups complain about the satanic elements of the holiday, a large but often ignored group is angered at the loss of horror in the annual holiday.
"It's all ween and no Hallow!" complains Arthur Skornick a zombie who died in 1918 and now heads the Conservative Halloween Undead Defenders. "It's this darned multiculturalism it's ruining traditional society! Schools around the country are now holding Fall-o-ween celebrations and won't allow any depiction of undead individuals, be they zombies, ghosts or vampires."
Indeed, such schools as Roosevelt Elementary in Binghamton, NY have canceled traditional Halloween celebrations and replaced them with Falloween celebrations. The children are not allowed to wear any costumes depicting monsters or anything violent, nor can they dress up as witches or wizards.
Skornick has tried to file a lawsuit against Roosevelt Elementary however U.S. law does not recognize the undead as citizens. "It's discrimination pure and simple." Skornick commented.
The ramifications of these sorts of celebrations appears to be a loss of respect for undead beings. Ghost are now portrayed as "friendly" like Casper, and werewolves have been declawed by such movies as "Teen Wolf" and even the fearsome Dracula has been defanged by such cute characters as the Muppet's Count. This along with the increase in teenage partying on Halloween has led to an erosion of human - undead relations.
"With the drinking and the drugs there's no proper fear anymore either. Last year my friends and I caught a group of teenagers partying in a field As I crept up on this girl to bite her and eat her brains, she turned around and kissed me right on the mouth! It was disgusting! All that warm living flesh, UGH! And then she has the nerve to tell me I need a breath mint! I mean we invented the term death breath for a reason you know."
When asked what recourse the Conservative Halloween Undead Defenders had Mr. Skornick replied: "Well we're not going to roll over and play dead I tell you what! We're immortal and we have a lot of brains, in fact we eat more every day. Ultimately, everyone joins us and when we have a majority, we'll be able to affect some real changes in society."
While some Christian groups complain about the satanic elements of the holiday, a large but often ignored group is angered at the loss of horror in the annual holiday.
"It's all ween and no Hallow!" complains Arthur Skornick a zombie who died in 1918 and now heads the Conservative Halloween Undead Defenders. "It's this darned multiculturalism it's ruining traditional society! Schools around the country are now holding Fall-o-ween celebrations and won't allow any depiction of undead individuals, be they zombies, ghosts or vampires."
Indeed, such schools as Roosevelt Elementary in Binghamton, NY have canceled traditional Halloween celebrations and replaced them with Falloween celebrations. The children are not allowed to wear any costumes depicting monsters or anything violent, nor can they dress up as witches or wizards.
Skornick has tried to file a lawsuit against Roosevelt Elementary however U.S. law does not recognize the undead as citizens. "It's discrimination pure and simple." Skornick commented.
The ramifications of these sorts of celebrations appears to be a loss of respect for undead beings. Ghost are now portrayed as "friendly" like Casper, and werewolves have been declawed by such movies as "Teen Wolf" and even the fearsome Dracula has been defanged by such cute characters as the Muppet's Count. This along with the increase in teenage partying on Halloween has led to an erosion of human - undead relations.
"With the drinking and the drugs there's no proper fear anymore either. Last year my friends and I caught a group of teenagers partying in a field As I crept up on this girl to bite her and eat her brains, she turned around and kissed me right on the mouth! It was disgusting! All that warm living flesh, UGH! And then she has the nerve to tell me I need a breath mint! I mean we invented the term death breath for a reason you know."
When asked what recourse the Conservative Halloween Undead Defenders had Mr. Skornick replied: "Well we're not going to roll over and play dead I tell you what! We're immortal and we have a lot of brains, in fact we eat more every day. Ultimately, everyone joins us and when we have a majority, we'll be able to affect some real changes in society."
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
11:09 PM
1 Comments
October 5, 2007
Ed and Elaine Brown Cowtow To Authorities
Breaking News
Fairfield, New Hampshire - October 4, 2007
Ed and Elaine Brown, the convicted tax dodgers surrendered peacefully to authorities tonight, after U.S. Marshalls made them an offer they couldn't refuse. Acting on information provided by Daniel Riley after his arrest last week, authorities realized that they had an irresistible lure for the Browns.
The Browns were holed up in their New Hampshire home with several months supply of breakfast cereals, chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter and jelly, and an assortment of cake and brownie mixes. However, without the support of Riley and three other friends of the Browns they had no supply of fresh milk.
U.S. Marshall Stephen Monier decided to put away his guns and instead set up a picnic table with a cooler packed with ice cold, organic milk. He and the other Marshalls sat around talking and drinking, while pointing at each other's milk mustaches and laughing.
After about ten minutes, the Browns called down that they would surrender if each of them could first have a 12 ounce glass of milk. Monier agreed and the Browns were peacefully taken into custody.
John McNally, contributing writer
Fairfield, New Hampshire - October 4, 2007
Ed and Elaine Brown, the convicted tax dodgers surrendered peacefully to authorities tonight, after U.S. Marshalls made them an offer they couldn't refuse. Acting on information provided by Daniel Riley after his arrest last week, authorities realized that they had an irresistible lure for the Browns.
The Browns were holed up in their New Hampshire home with several months supply of breakfast cereals, chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter and jelly, and an assortment of cake and brownie mixes. However, without the support of Riley and three other friends of the Browns they had no supply of fresh milk.
U.S. Marshall Stephen Monier decided to put away his guns and instead set up a picnic table with a cooler packed with ice cold, organic milk. He and the other Marshalls sat around talking and drinking, while pointing at each other's milk mustaches and laughing.
After about ten minutes, the Browns called down that they would surrender if each of them could first have a 12 ounce glass of milk. Monier agreed and the Browns were peacefully taken into custody.
John McNally, contributing writer
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
12:27 AM
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October 4, 2007
Senator Craig Not Gay But CIA
Washington, Oct 4 - Senator Larry E Craig of Idaho revealed today that he is not in fact a homosexual, but a CIA operative who was trying to pass secret messages in the Minnesota airport bathroom.
"At the time of my arrest, I was in fact an operative for the CIA, on a mission of National Security." Senator Craig stated at a press conference. "Officer Karsnia interfered with my mission and endangered the national security. In short, he's helping the terrorists win. The man I was intending to meet, was going to provide me hard information on the underhanded behavior that these terrorists engage in. I was very close to the climax of this investigation when Officer Karsnia blew my cover."
When asked for proof of these allegations by reporters the Senator replied: "Go ask the CIA, they'll deny it then you'll know it's true."
In fact the CIA has denied any connection to the Senator, and the Minnesota Airport Police Dept insists that no one blew anything on the Senator that June afternoon. This was enough for top Republicans to welcome Senator Craig back into the fold with open arms, and denounced the Minnesota Airport Police as a bunch of phony cops who like to kiss and tell.
John McNally contributing writer
"At the time of my arrest, I was in fact an operative for the CIA, on a mission of National Security." Senator Craig stated at a press conference. "Officer Karsnia interfered with my mission and endangered the national security. In short, he's helping the terrorists win. The man I was intending to meet, was going to provide me hard information on the underhanded behavior that these terrorists engage in. I was very close to the climax of this investigation when Officer Karsnia blew my cover."
When asked for proof of these allegations by reporters the Senator replied: "Go ask the CIA, they'll deny it then you'll know it's true."
In fact the CIA has denied any connection to the Senator, and the Minnesota Airport Police Dept insists that no one blew anything on the Senator that June afternoon. This was enough for top Republicans to welcome Senator Craig back into the fold with open arms, and denounced the Minnesota Airport Police as a bunch of phony cops who like to kiss and tell.
John McNally contributing writer
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
11:05 PM
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