Notary Publics Recruited For Homeland Security
Washington DC In its ever expanding efforts to combat terrorism, the Department of Homeland Security has called upon the services of an often overlooked public official, the humble Notary Public.
"Notary Publics take an oath to defend this country and the constitution just like any soldier." explained Michael Chertoff the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. "During this time of crisis, we are calling all notaries into active duty in order to help us fight the war against terror."
Normally, a Notary Public's duties involve acting as an official witness to the signing of documents but under the new DHS guidelines the Notary's powers will be greatly expanded. Notary Publics will now be deputized in the same manner as bounty hunters, and will be given the power to arrest suspected terrorists wherever they believe them to be. Like other law enforcement officers, Notaries will not be impeded by the 4th amendment or any other part of the US Constitution, they can act with impunity, and in the event of a mistake being made, the government will issue official apologies. As an added bonus, legislation has been brought to congress making Notaries immune to all lawsuits past, present and future. Notaries will no longer be required to carry expensive bonds or insurance in exchange for their greater role as public servants.
In order to fulfill their new duties, DHS will supply all Notaries with a new arsenal of terrorist fighting supplies. The new Notary Journals will be coated with Kevlar to deflect terrorist bullets. One end of the book will be sharpened to serve as a blade in hand to hand combat. The standard Notary stamp will be replaced with a taser stamp which can apply a 75,000 volt shock along with a crisp image of the Notary's official seal. Finally, the thumbprint inker will embed a microscopic RFID chip into the thumb of every person who uses it. These chips will be monitored by satellite allowing the government to track potential terrorists with advanced GPS systems. All of these supplies will be offered to Notaries at a substantial discount through the National Notary Association.
In order to seal the deal, the Dept of Homeland Security has offered a generous incentive program for Notaries who embrace their patriotic duties. "For every suspected terrorist a Notary turns in," explained Chertoff, "a fee of 5.00 will be paid. In the event of a conviction, a generous 25% bonus will be given on top of that totaling 6.25 for the Notary. We expect to be issuing checks very soon."
"Notary Publics take an oath to defend this country and the constitution just like any soldier." explained Michael Chertoff the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. "During this time of crisis, we are calling all notaries into active duty in order to help us fight the war against terror."
Normally, a Notary Public's duties involve acting as an official witness to the signing of documents but under the new DHS guidelines the Notary's powers will be greatly expanded. Notary Publics will now be deputized in the same manner as bounty hunters, and will be given the power to arrest suspected terrorists wherever they believe them to be. Like other law enforcement officers, Notaries will not be impeded by the 4th amendment or any other part of the US Constitution, they can act with impunity, and in the event of a mistake being made, the government will issue official apologies. As an added bonus, legislation has been brought to congress making Notaries immune to all lawsuits past, present and future. Notaries will no longer be required to carry expensive bonds or insurance in exchange for their greater role as public servants.
In order to fulfill their new duties, DHS will supply all Notaries with a new arsenal of terrorist fighting supplies. The new Notary Journals will be coated with Kevlar to deflect terrorist bullets. One end of the book will be sharpened to serve as a blade in hand to hand combat. The standard Notary stamp will be replaced with a taser stamp which can apply a 75,000 volt shock along with a crisp image of the Notary's official seal. Finally, the thumbprint inker will embed a microscopic RFID chip into the thumb of every person who uses it. These chips will be monitored by satellite allowing the government to track potential terrorists with advanced GPS systems. All of these supplies will be offered to Notaries at a substantial discount through the National Notary Association.
In order to seal the deal, the Dept of Homeland Security has offered a generous incentive program for Notaries who embrace their patriotic duties. "For every suspected terrorist a Notary turns in," explained Chertoff, "a fee of 5.00 will be paid. In the event of a conviction, a generous 25% bonus will be given on top of that totaling 6.25 for the Notary. We expect to be issuing checks very soon."
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10:18 PM
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