Palin To Run For Supreme Overlord Of Earth
Wasilla, Alaska - After stunning the nation on Friday with her sudden
resignation as the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin further shocked both
supporters and opponents alike by
declaring herself a candidate for
Supreme Overlord of Earth. The position, which does not currently exist, is expected to be created by Lord Xenu when he returns to resume his reign over the Earth.
"On this July 4th, when the world celebrates America's Independence from Soviet tyranny," proclaimed Palin "I thought it was only appropriate to launch my campaign as the chief officeholder to protect
the rights and freedoms of all people on Earth. I know there are many who don't believe in Lord Xenu, and I promise to treat them as equally as the most passionate believers. The forces of darkness in this world have obscured our knowledge of Xenu and the road to true enlightenment, but once he returns we'll have our most profound questions revealed to be only small tokens in his amazing wisdom!"
A reporter asked Palin if she believed that she was qualified for the
tremendous responsibility of running the world. "Oh my yes." Palin
said, "As governor of Alaska I was the highest level executive on the
northernmost city of the free world. I am literally on top of the world
here, and I can see everywhere from the suburbs of Siberia to that land
down under, Austria."
When another reporter asked if this were a hoax, Sarah produced a small
hand held device which vaporized the reporter in a puff of smoke. She then cocked her head a little and smiled, asking if there were any more questions. There were none as the remaining reporters all donned "Sarah for Overlord" t-shirts as they fled to their cars.
resignation as the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin further shocked both
supporters and opponents alike by
declaring herself a candidate forSupreme Overlord of Earth. The position, which does not currently exist, is expected to be created by Lord Xenu when he returns to resume his reign over the Earth.
"On this July 4th, when the world celebrates America's Independence from Soviet tyranny," proclaimed Palin "I thought it was only appropriate to launch my campaign as the chief officeholder to protect
the rights and freedoms of all people on Earth. I know there are many who don't believe in Lord Xenu, and I promise to treat them as equally as the most passionate believers. The forces of darkness in this world have obscured our knowledge of Xenu and the road to true enlightenment, but once he returns we'll have our most profound questions revealed to be only small tokens in his amazing wisdom!"
A reporter asked Palin if she believed that she was qualified for the
tremendous responsibility of running the world. "Oh my yes." Palin
said, "As governor of Alaska I was the highest level executive on the
northernmost city of the free world. I am literally on top of the world
here, and I can see everywhere from the suburbs of Siberia to that land
down under, Austria."
When another reporter asked if this were a hoax, Sarah produced a small
hand held device which vaporized the reporter in a puff of smoke. She then cocked her head a little and smiled, asking if there were any more questions. There were none as the remaining reporters all donned "Sarah for Overlord" t-shirts as they fled to their cars.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
8:23 PM
1 Comments
June 10, 2009
Former FEMA Head Michael Brown Appointed New GM Chairman
Detroit - The New GM announced today that it would be led by Michael D. Brown, the former FEMA Administrator who was criticized so heavily during Hurricane Katrina. Brown was personally selected and endorsed by the head of the Obama administration's Car Task Force Steven Rattner.
"I was a little surprised to get the call," said Michael Brown, who has been unemployed since resigning as head of FEMA, "but I am confident that I can take GM outside the box into a whole new paradigm. It's true I know nothing about cars, but I know that people like big engines that shake the ground when you step on the gas, so I'm thinking muscle cars, like the ones we had in the 50's and 60's. After all, gas is cheap again so let's take advantage of that; I'd even like to see GM re-acquire the Hummer."
When reporters asked Rattner what led to the choice of Brown, he replied. "He plays golf with my dad, and he's been so down since the Katrina thing that I thought we should give him a second chance. Besides, it's not like he has no experience at all. He used to judge horses, which like cars are a mode of transportation. And cars engines are still rated according to their horsepower, right?"
Brown does bring a certain amount of political experience to the job. That is relevant since the U.S. government is currently GM's largest shareholder, and he will have to answer to Congress. "He's been under fire from Congress in the past, and kept his cool." Rattner said proudly. "There are very few executives that have taken the level of scrutiny that he has had to endure. Frankly, I thnk Brownie will do a heck of a job!"
"I was a little surprised to get the call," said Michael Brown, who has been unemployed since resigning as head of FEMA, "but I am confident that I can take GM outside the box into a whole new paradigm. It's true I know nothing about cars, but I know that people like big engines that shake the ground when you step on the gas, so I'm thinking muscle cars, like the ones we had in the 50's and 60's. After all, gas is cheap again so let's take advantage of that; I'd even like to see GM re-acquire the Hummer."
When reporters asked Rattner what led to the choice of Brown, he replied. "He plays golf with my dad, and he's been so down since the Katrina thing that I thought we should give him a second chance. Besides, it's not like he has no experience at all. He used to judge horses, which like cars are a mode of transportation. And cars engines are still rated according to their horsepower, right?"
Brown does bring a certain amount of political experience to the job. That is relevant since the U.S. government is currently GM's largest shareholder, and he will have to answer to Congress. "He's been under fire from Congress in the past, and kept his cool." Rattner said proudly. "There are very few executives that have taken the level of scrutiny that he has had to endure. Frankly, I thnk Brownie will do a heck of a job!"
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
9:51 AM
1 Comments
June 1, 2009
Kim Jong Suspends Nuclear Missile Program For Role In New Bond Flick
Pyongyang North Korea - In a diplomatic victory for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and the Obama Administration, North Korean President Kim Jong II has agreed to suspend his nuclear missile program in exchange for a starring role in the upcoming James Bond film "From Pyongyang With Love."
The deal was put together very quickly in the wake of North Korea's most recent missile test. Diplomatic tensions were high on all sides, and it's rumored that Secretary of State Clinton floated the idea herself through unofficial channels. Once word reached Kim Jong II, he jumped on it. The official agreement will not be announced until the movie contract is signed, but insiders from both Hollywood and Washington say that it will happen in the next day or two.
Michael G. Wilson, producer of the upcoming Bond movie gave the world a hint of the movie's plot and the role that Kim Jong II would play. "He will be playing himself as the leader of North Korea, in a near future scenario where agents from SPECTRE have gotten computer control of North Korea's nuclear arsenal and plan to use it to start World War III. Kim Jong II, after an initial hostile encounter with Bond (played by Daniel Craig) will then team up with 007 to secure the weapons and defeat SPECTRE. He also revealed that Anne Hathaway would star in the movie as a double agent whom falls in love with Kim Jong II. Wilson however, would not comment on rumors that the leader of SPECTRE, the infamous Persian cat petting Ernst Stavro Blofield will be played by none other than Dick Cheney.
The deal was put together very quickly in the wake of North Korea's most recent missile test. Diplomatic tensions were high on all sides, and it's rumored that Secretary of State Clinton floated the idea herself through unofficial channels. Once word reached Kim Jong II, he jumped on it. The official agreement will not be announced until the movie contract is signed, but insiders from both Hollywood and Washington say that it will happen in the next day or two.
Michael G. Wilson, producer of the upcoming Bond movie gave the world a hint of the movie's plot and the role that Kim Jong II would play. "He will be playing himself as the leader of North Korea, in a near future scenario where agents from SPECTRE have gotten computer control of North Korea's nuclear arsenal and plan to use it to start World War III. Kim Jong II, after an initial hostile encounter with Bond (played by Daniel Craig) will then team up with 007 to secure the weapons and defeat SPECTRE. He also revealed that Anne Hathaway would star in the movie as a double agent whom falls in love with Kim Jong II. Wilson however, would not comment on rumors that the leader of SPECTRE, the infamous Persian cat petting Ernst Stavro Blofield will be played by none other than Dick Cheney.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
9:18 AM
0 Comments
May 26, 2009
Obama Nominates Jerry Springer to Supreme Court
Washington DC- In a move that initially shocked Republicans and Democrats alike, President Obama announced his pick for the Supreme Court today, talk show host Jerry Springer.
Speaking to a special session of the Senate, Obama stated that "Despite his lack of judicial experience, Jerry is an excellent mediator who acts with compassion and integrity. I have complete confidence that he will execute his new office with the same dignity and high minded behavior that he has demonstrated on his television program over the years." Obama went on to say that the Supreme Court would be getting an "extreme makeover" for the 21st century, with a more open format based on Springer's television show.
Springer, who is 65 has no professional legal experience, but he has served in public office as the Mayor of Cincinnati in 1977. His television show has been on the air since 1991, and it's rumored that his vast fortune is second only to Oprah Winfrey's.
Springer said he was honored by the nomination, and only hoped the other justices would be open to updating the stodgy image of the court to one that would really allow plaintiffs and defendants to fully express themselves. "People are passionate about the law," said Springer, "but you'd never know it watching these dull, somber proceedings."
The nomination was met with skepticism at first, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was actually caught on camera rolling his eyes, but with a more positive reaction from his Republican colleagues, Springer's nomination began to get traction.
Senator Elizabeth Dole was the first to openly express support stating "I love Jerry Springer! I never miss an episode." Later on she expressed a bit of regret when Springer indicated he would be unable to continue his program should his nomination be approved.
Minority Leader Mitch McConnnell made the Republican stamp of approval when he remarked "Springer is a lot less liberal than most of the candidates we expected, we kept expecting Bill Mahr or Oprah Winfrey to be named."
There were still some Democrats strongly opposed to the nomination though. Senator Chuck Schumer of New York has promised to lead a filibuster and block the appointment. "It's not just because Springer is dangerously unqualified for such a high office, but we were promised former New York City Mayor Ed Koch, who resided over the People's Court for several seasons."
When asked to comment on the Ed Koch appointment, White House Press Secretary said that Koch was considered but never promised. "We had to go with the Justice who would draw the highest ratings, and that person is Jerry Springer."
Speaking to a special session of the Senate, Obama stated that "Despite his lack of judicial experience, Jerry is an excellent mediator who acts with compassion and integrity. I have complete confidence that he will execute his new office with the same dignity and high minded behavior that he has demonstrated on his television program over the years." Obama went on to say that the Supreme Court would be getting an "extreme makeover" for the 21st century, with a more open format based on Springer's television show.
Springer, who is 65 has no professional legal experience, but he has served in public office as the Mayor of Cincinnati in 1977. His television show has been on the air since 1991, and it's rumored that his vast fortune is second only to Oprah Winfrey's.
Springer said he was honored by the nomination, and only hoped the other justices would be open to updating the stodgy image of the court to one that would really allow plaintiffs and defendants to fully express themselves. "People are passionate about the law," said Springer, "but you'd never know it watching these dull, somber proceedings."
The nomination was met with skepticism at first, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was actually caught on camera rolling his eyes, but with a more positive reaction from his Republican colleagues, Springer's nomination began to get traction.
Senator Elizabeth Dole was the first to openly express support stating "I love Jerry Springer! I never miss an episode." Later on she expressed a bit of regret when Springer indicated he would be unable to continue his program should his nomination be approved.
Minority Leader Mitch McConnnell made the Republican stamp of approval when he remarked "Springer is a lot less liberal than most of the candidates we expected, we kept expecting Bill Mahr or Oprah Winfrey to be named."
There were still some Democrats strongly opposed to the nomination though. Senator Chuck Schumer of New York has promised to lead a filibuster and block the appointment. "It's not just because Springer is dangerously unqualified for such a high office, but we were promised former New York City Mayor Ed Koch, who resided over the People's Court for several seasons."
When asked to comment on the Ed Koch appointment, White House Press Secretary said that Koch was considered but never promised. "We had to go with the Justice who would draw the highest ratings, and that person is Jerry Springer."
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
8:41 AM
1 Comments
May 11, 2009
Republican Party Galvanizes Around Dijon-Gate
A seemingly innocent choice of condiments has erupted into a nationwide scandal, and has finally given Republicans a rallying cry against the Obama administration. After months and months of failed attacks on his acquaintances, his religion, and his citizenship, the Republicans have found something that sticks: Dijon Mustard.
Until now Barack Obama has been the Teflon President, deflecting a constant string of right-wing attacks and accusations with style, grace and humor. The more rabid his political opponents became, the more Barck Obama shined; however, that all came crashing down this weekend when his All-American image was shattered by his ordering of Dijon Mustard on a cheeseburger.
Right wing pundits pounced causing Kraft Foods stock sym KFT (the makers of Grey Poupon) to plunge in early trading. Short selling was quickly halted on the stock, and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner called a press conference to inform the country that TARP funds would be used to shore up Kraft Foods stock. Geithner stated: "With products like Grey Poupon and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the company is too tasty to fail." The stock soared in late trading, but the fallout of Dijon-gate has only just begun.
"This is the biggest scandal since Whitewater!" Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell shouted on the Senate floor, holding a bottle of French's yellow mustard in one hand and a hot dog in the other. "I demand a specical commission be appointed to examine this obvious French-Socialist influence on our governement!"
A similar proposal was made in the House by Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who further suggested that the eating of mustard on anything but hot dogs was an strong indicator of Socialist infiltration into the mind of the eater. She demanded an immediate investigation into all of the "Dijon Democrats." Both proposals were of course voted down by the Democrats, but not without loud accusations of cover up by the Republicans.
"This is not over!" House Minority Leader John Boehner promised in an afternoon press conference. "The Republican party will employ an outside independent investigation, headed by CRC Public Relations, a patriotic firm with no political affiliations whatsoever." When a reporter pointed out that CRC Public Relations was the company behind the Swift Boat ads against John Kerry in 2004, security immediately had her ejected from the news conference and Boehner described her as a "Dijon Demmie spy."
Former presidential candidates and 2012 hopefuls, Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee also weighed in: Sarah Palin smiled before the cameras with a moose dog in one hand and a bottle of yellow mustard in the other. "If yellow mustard was good enough for our founding fathers, it's good enough for me." In a separate news conference Mike Huckabee stated: "The devil may have created dijon mustard, but it was God's will that Obama put it on his cheeseburger and exposed his corrupt nature for all the world to see."
Until now Barack Obama has been the Teflon President, deflecting a constant string of right-wing attacks and accusations with style, grace and humor. The more rabid his political opponents became, the more Barck Obama shined; however, that all came crashing down this weekend when his All-American image was shattered by his ordering of Dijon Mustard on a cheeseburger.
Right wing pundits pounced causing Kraft Foods stock sym KFT (the makers of Grey Poupon) to plunge in early trading. Short selling was quickly halted on the stock, and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner called a press conference to inform the country that TARP funds would be used to shore up Kraft Foods stock. Geithner stated: "With products like Grey Poupon and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the company is too tasty to fail." The stock soared in late trading, but the fallout of Dijon-gate has only just begun.
"This is the biggest scandal since Whitewater!" Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell shouted on the Senate floor, holding a bottle of French's yellow mustard in one hand and a hot dog in the other. "I demand a specical commission be appointed to examine this obvious French-Socialist influence on our governement!"
A similar proposal was made in the House by Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who further suggested that the eating of mustard on anything but hot dogs was an strong indicator of Socialist infiltration into the mind of the eater. She demanded an immediate investigation into all of the "Dijon Democrats." Both proposals were of course voted down by the Democrats, but not without loud accusations of cover up by the Republicans.
"This is not over!" House Minority Leader John Boehner promised in an afternoon press conference. "The Republican party will employ an outside independent investigation, headed by CRC Public Relations, a patriotic firm with no political affiliations whatsoever." When a reporter pointed out that CRC Public Relations was the company behind the Swift Boat ads against John Kerry in 2004, security immediately had her ejected from the news conference and Boehner described her as a "Dijon Demmie spy."
Former presidential candidates and 2012 hopefuls, Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee also weighed in: Sarah Palin smiled before the cameras with a moose dog in one hand and a bottle of yellow mustard in the other. "If yellow mustard was good enough for our founding fathers, it's good enough for me." In a separate news conference Mike Huckabee stated: "The devil may have created dijon mustard, but it was God's will that Obama put it on his cheeseburger and exposed his corrupt nature for all the world to see."
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
10:53 AM
0 Comments
April 29, 2009
Editor in Chief Returns After Unexpected Hiatus
April 29, 2009 Paicines, CA: After a long and unexpected hiatus, the Editor in Chief of Parabolic Mirror, John McNally, has returned to his former post. We the non-existent staff here welcome him with open arms. When asked where he has been for the past eight months, Mr. McNally surprised us all by telling us that he has been working undercover for the RNC Think Tank: The Conservative Enterprise Foundation which has been directing Republican strategy for the past year.
"It wasn't really a planned operation." McNally explained, "Many years ago I signed up to a Conservative newsletter under the alias Odgen Thortensen. I did so at the time to get another source for Parabolic Mirror. I barely participated, but made sure to occasionally reply to science based posts with 'that's not in the Bible' and anything involving government spending with 'the road to Europe is paved with socialist intentions.' Little did I know that my lengthy periods of silence gave me the reputation of being deep. Before I knew it, prominent Republicans were sending me private messages asking me for advice. My first major bit of advice was for John McCain to pick Sarah Palin as his running mate. I thought for sure that would expose me but to my shock they actually went with it."
"Then I was invited to speak at the Conservative Enterprise Foundation, I had no idea it was basically a job interview. I wrote the funniest, most brainless speech I could imagine. I told them the future of the Republican party was in doubling down on on key issues: No Global Warming, no government spending, and tell the country that "everything is just fine. When it was finished, they offered me a position, they even had my name on a brass doorplate, how could I say no to that?"
"Every morning thereafter," McNally continued, "I would play the part of Odgen Thortonsen, dolling out bits of useless advice that made Rush Limbaugh sound liberal. I helped Bobby Jindal write his reubuttal to President Obama's Inauguration speech, and endorsed New Gingrich as the candidate for 2012. My most recent act was to coach John Boehner on global warming, telling him that CO2 was the gas cows produced when they farted."
"Of course, this post might blow Ogden's cover, but then again, Ogden might inform his right wing buddies that this is all a fantasy cooked up by the liberal media, which of course is true - or is it?"
"It wasn't really a planned operation." McNally explained, "Many years ago I signed up to a Conservative newsletter under the alias Odgen Thortensen. I did so at the time to get another source for Parabolic Mirror. I barely participated, but made sure to occasionally reply to science based posts with 'that's not in the Bible' and anything involving government spending with 'the road to Europe is paved with socialist intentions.' Little did I know that my lengthy periods of silence gave me the reputation of being deep. Before I knew it, prominent Republicans were sending me private messages asking me for advice. My first major bit of advice was for John McCain to pick Sarah Palin as his running mate. I thought for sure that would expose me but to my shock they actually went with it."
"Then I was invited to speak at the Conservative Enterprise Foundation, I had no idea it was basically a job interview. I wrote the funniest, most brainless speech I could imagine. I told them the future of the Republican party was in doubling down on on key issues: No Global Warming, no government spending, and tell the country that "everything is just fine. When it was finished, they offered me a position, they even had my name on a brass doorplate, how could I say no to that?"
"Every morning thereafter," McNally continued, "I would play the part of Odgen Thortonsen, dolling out bits of useless advice that made Rush Limbaugh sound liberal. I helped Bobby Jindal write his reubuttal to President Obama's Inauguration speech, and endorsed New Gingrich as the candidate for 2012. My most recent act was to coach John Boehner on global warming, telling him that CO2 was the gas cows produced when they farted."
"Of course, this post might blow Ogden's cover, but then again, Ogden might inform his right wing buddies that this is all a fantasy cooked up by the liberal media, which of course is true - or is it?"
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
9:21 AM
0 Comments
September 25, 2008
Paulson Plan Revealed: 700 Billion To Be Spent On Lotto Tickets
Washington DC, The House and Senate were shocked today to learn the details of Henry Paulson's plan to save Wall St. and the ailing US Economy.
"I intend to buy 700 Billion Lotto tickets, dividing the money up between all states that hold either Lotto or Powerball lotteries." Paulson announced to reporters on the steps of the Treasury Building. "It's well known that the odds of winning any given lottery are hundreds of millions to one, by investing in hundreds of millions of tickets in each state, I will even those odds and cash in on all the grand prizes." Paulson went on further to explain that since a portion of the money goes to each state that sponsors a lottery, it will stimulate their local economies.
And if there are any leftover funds after the initial investment? "Scratchers." Treasury Secretary Paulson said proudly, "lots of scratchers."
"I intend to buy 700 Billion Lotto tickets, dividing the money up between all states that hold either Lotto or Powerball lotteries." Paulson announced to reporters on the steps of the Treasury Building. "It's well known that the odds of winning any given lottery are hundreds of millions to one, by investing in hundreds of millions of tickets in each state, I will even those odds and cash in on all the grand prizes." Paulson went on further to explain that since a portion of the money goes to each state that sponsors a lottery, it will stimulate their local economies.
And if there are any leftover funds after the initial investment? "Scratchers." Treasury Secretary Paulson said proudly, "lots of scratchers."
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
10:57 PM
0 Comments
March 15, 2008
Notary Publics Recruited For Homeland Security
Washington DC In its ever expanding efforts to combat terrorism, the Department of Homeland Security has called upon the services of an often overlooked public official, the humble Notary Public.
"Notary Publics take an oath to defend this country and the constitution just like any soldier." explained Michael Chertoff the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. "During this time of crisis, we are calling all notaries into active duty in order to help us fight the war against terror."
Normally, a Notary Public's duties involve acting as an official witness to the signing of documents but under the new DHS guidelines the Notary's powers will be greatly expanded. Notary Publics will now be deputized in the same manner as bounty hunters, and will be given the power to arrest suspected terrorists wherever they believe them to be. Like other law enforcement officers, Notaries will not be impeded by the 4th amendment or any other part of the US Constitution, they can act with impunity, and in the event of a mistake being made, the government will issue official apologies. As an added bonus, legislation has been brought to congress making Notaries immune to all lawsuits past, present and future. Notaries will no longer be required to carry expensive bonds or insurance in exchange for their greater role as public servants.
In order to fulfill their new duties, DHS will supply all Notaries with a new arsenal of terrorist fighting supplies. The new Notary Journals will be coated with Kevlar to deflect terrorist bullets. One end of the book will be sharpened to serve as a blade in hand to hand combat. The standard Notary stamp will be replaced with a taser stamp which can apply a 75,000 volt shock along with a crisp image of the Notary's official seal. Finally, the thumbprint inker will embed a microscopic RFID chip into the thumb of every person who uses it. These chips will be monitored by satellite allowing the government to track potential terrorists with advanced GPS systems. All of these supplies will be offered to Notaries at a substantial discount through the National Notary Association.
In order to seal the deal, the Dept of Homeland Security has offered a generous incentive program for Notaries who embrace their patriotic duties. "For every suspected terrorist a Notary turns in," explained Chertoff, "a fee of 5.00 will be paid. In the event of a conviction, a generous 25% bonus will be given on top of that totaling 6.25 for the Notary. We expect to be issuing checks very soon."
"Notary Publics take an oath to defend this country and the constitution just like any soldier." explained Michael Chertoff the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. "During this time of crisis, we are calling all notaries into active duty in order to help us fight the war against terror."
Normally, a Notary Public's duties involve acting as an official witness to the signing of documents but under the new DHS guidelines the Notary's powers will be greatly expanded. Notary Publics will now be deputized in the same manner as bounty hunters, and will be given the power to arrest suspected terrorists wherever they believe them to be. Like other law enforcement officers, Notaries will not be impeded by the 4th amendment or any other part of the US Constitution, they can act with impunity, and in the event of a mistake being made, the government will issue official apologies. As an added bonus, legislation has been brought to congress making Notaries immune to all lawsuits past, present and future. Notaries will no longer be required to carry expensive bonds or insurance in exchange for their greater role as public servants.
In order to fulfill their new duties, DHS will supply all Notaries with a new arsenal of terrorist fighting supplies. The new Notary Journals will be coated with Kevlar to deflect terrorist bullets. One end of the book will be sharpened to serve as a blade in hand to hand combat. The standard Notary stamp will be replaced with a taser stamp which can apply a 75,000 volt shock along with a crisp image of the Notary's official seal. Finally, the thumbprint inker will embed a microscopic RFID chip into the thumb of every person who uses it. These chips will be monitored by satellite allowing the government to track potential terrorists with advanced GPS systems. All of these supplies will be offered to Notaries at a substantial discount through the National Notary Association.
In order to seal the deal, the Dept of Homeland Security has offered a generous incentive program for Notaries who embrace their patriotic duties. "For every suspected terrorist a Notary turns in," explained Chertoff, "a fee of 5.00 will be paid. In the event of a conviction, a generous 25% bonus will be given on top of that totaling 6.25 for the Notary. We expect to be issuing checks very soon."
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
10:18 PM
5 Comments
February 7, 2008
Mitt Romney Quits Race to Stop the Terrorists
February 07, 2008 Washington DC In a selfless show of both party unity and concern for the welfare of his fellow Americans, Mitt Romney bowed out of the Republican presidential race today.
In a speech before the Justice League of America, Romney revealed for the first time the super powers he gained when he was CEO of the 2002 Olympic Winter Games. While he didn't reveal any specifics, it is assumed that his rich luxurious hair is bulletproof and probably deflects mind control rays.
In his speech, Romney also revealed that both Democratic rivals Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are pawns of "The Terrorists" a secretive organization of cave dwelling humanoids that manipulate the weak with their secret mind powers.
Sporting a pair of shiny red tights with the GOP logo on his chest and a flowing navy blue cape adorned with stars, Romney looked every inch the superhero. He assured us that he would not be alone in his quest, but would be joined by a recently resurrected Zombie Reagan who will not only help Romney defeat "The Terrorists" but restore hope to America once again.
"This mission of ours may take us beyond the November elections to complete." Romney announced, "and so I must suspend my campaign for the greater good. However we will be back in time for the 2012 elections. To quote my sidekick when he was still alive: 'There is no substitute for victory.'"
When asked now about his new role in world events, Zombie Reagan's only response was: "Brains."
In a speech before the Justice League of America, Romney revealed for the first time the super powers he gained when he was CEO of the 2002 Olympic Winter Games. While he didn't reveal any specifics, it is assumed that his rich luxurious hair is bulletproof and probably deflects mind control rays.
In his speech, Romney also revealed that both Democratic rivals Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are pawns of "The Terrorists" a secretive organization of cave dwelling humanoids that manipulate the weak with their secret mind powers.
Sporting a pair of shiny red tights with the GOP logo on his chest and a flowing navy blue cape adorned with stars, Romney looked every inch the superhero. He assured us that he would not be alone in his quest, but would be joined by a recently resurrected Zombie Reagan who will not only help Romney defeat "The Terrorists" but restore hope to America once again.
"This mission of ours may take us beyond the November elections to complete." Romney announced, "and so I must suspend my campaign for the greater good. However we will be back in time for the 2012 elections. To quote my sidekick when he was still alive: 'There is no substitute for victory.'"
When asked now about his new role in world events, Zombie Reagan's only response was: "Brains."
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
9:55 PM
0 Comments
January 23, 2008
Entrepreneur Converts Huge Stock Market Decline into Ski Slopes
January 23, 2008, Las Vegas Nevada As the Dow Jones Industrial Average continues to plummet towards new yearly lows, savvy Venture Capitalists are reaching out for a new source of revenue - the skier.
"I was looking at the Dow Jones charts for the last three months and realized that it resembled an excellent ski slope." Thomas Applebee the CEO of the new Ski Dow Inc. (NASDAQ:SLIDE) a Las Vegas based company that reproduces the Dow Jones, NASDAQ, and AMEX charts as three dimensional ski slopes by using artificially generated snow.
Applebee and his fellow investors have been dubbed the "Snow Bears" because their scheme is dependent on the continual decline of the Stock Market. "People tell us that the market won't go down forever, " Applebee said, "but right now it's in a long term slide with only occasional bumps to give the skiers a thrill."
When asked about future plans for Ski Dow, Applebee wasn't very specific. "We're still researching other potential slopes. We had hoped to introduce the US Dollar slope next year, but so far the slope is far too steep for anyone to ski it.
"I was looking at the Dow Jones charts for the last three months and realized that it resembled an excellent ski slope." Thomas Applebee the CEO of the new Ski Dow Inc. (NASDAQ:SLIDE) a Las Vegas based company that reproduces the Dow Jones, NASDAQ, and AMEX charts as three dimensional ski slopes by using artificially generated snow.
Applebee and his fellow investors have been dubbed the "Snow Bears" because their scheme is dependent on the continual decline of the Stock Market. "People tell us that the market won't go down forever, " Applebee said, "but right now it's in a long term slide with only occasional bumps to give the skiers a thrill."
When asked about future plans for Ski Dow, Applebee wasn't very specific. "We're still researching other potential slopes. We had hoped to introduce the US Dollar slope next year, but so far the slope is far too steep for anyone to ski it.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
8:16 AM
0 Comments
December 9, 2007
Obama Declares Oprah As His Running Mate
Columbia, South Carolina - On the heels of his largest campaign audience ever, Senator Barack Obama stunned country this evening by announcing that Oprah Winfrey would be his running mate on the Democratic ticket.
Pundits were divided as to whether this was a shrewd move on the Senator's part or a further proof of his political naivete. "It's sheer genius!" Said Paul Gluckman, a political columnist for the NY Times. "It's following in the tradition of Reagan, Clint Eastwood and Arnold Schwarzenegger, but Oprah is bigger and better than all of them."
Chief among critics have been Obama's political opponents, particularly Hillary Clinton who upon hearing the news commented: "It's absolutely absurd! You wouldn't catch me using someone's celebrity status to further my own campaign ambitions."
Across the country, Obama's popularity has rocketed, easily surpassing Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton. In fact, a new Zogby poll due out tomorrow shows that the Obama-Winfrey ticket would not only win an election being held today, but they would beat all other candidates combined, be the next American Idol and the last Survivor.
Republican rivals are scrambling to try and match the star power of the new ticket. Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has asked radio commentator Rush Limbaugh to be his running mate, while Senator John McCain has asked rapper Jay-Z to be his Vice President. While there has been no official word from Jay-Z yet, a reporter caught John McCain rehearsing "Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem) "in an Iowa a men's room.
As lawmakers become concerned that unqualified people might find themselves elected to the Whitehouse, Hollywood agents are now taking courses in political science. "You want to follow your star to the top." Harry Elcrow said, a former agent for California Governor Arnold Schwarzennegger, "it's not enough to be a leading man or leading lady anymore, you need to be a leader as well, and the right agent can be right there as the next Karl Rove."
Pundits were divided as to whether this was a shrewd move on the Senator's part or a further proof of his political naivete. "It's sheer genius!" Said Paul Gluckman, a political columnist for the NY Times. "It's following in the tradition of Reagan, Clint Eastwood and Arnold Schwarzenegger, but Oprah is bigger and better than all of them."
Chief among critics have been Obama's political opponents, particularly Hillary Clinton who upon hearing the news commented: "It's absolutely absurd! You wouldn't catch me using someone's celebrity status to further my own campaign ambitions."
Across the country, Obama's popularity has rocketed, easily surpassing Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton. In fact, a new Zogby poll due out tomorrow shows that the Obama-Winfrey ticket would not only win an election being held today, but they would beat all other candidates combined, be the next American Idol and the last Survivor.
Republican rivals are scrambling to try and match the star power of the new ticket. Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has asked radio commentator Rush Limbaugh to be his running mate, while Senator John McCain has asked rapper Jay-Z to be his Vice President. While there has been no official word from Jay-Z yet, a reporter caught John McCain rehearsing "Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem) "in an Iowa a men's room.
As lawmakers become concerned that unqualified people might find themselves elected to the Whitehouse, Hollywood agents are now taking courses in political science. "You want to follow your star to the top." Harry Elcrow said, a former agent for California Governor Arnold Schwarzennegger, "it's not enough to be a leading man or leading lady anymore, you need to be a leader as well, and the right agent can be right there as the next Karl Rove."
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
11:29 PM
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November 23, 2007
Publisher Confirms Bush Unknowingly Knew Nothing
November 23, 2007, WASHINGTON - Scott McClellan shocked the country earlier this week by releasing a teaser from his upcoming book: In A World Of Stooges, I Was Barely The Second Curly" McClellan stated that he "unknowingly passed on false information" and named "the president himself" as one of the people who passed this information. But after a brief visit from the NSA, Peter Osnos editor and chief of Public Affairs Books has promised that McClellan "did not intend to suggest that Bush lied to him."
"In fact," Osnos states: "Scott has made it clear to me that Bush knew nothing of any events taking place within his administration, and any information passed onto Scott was done only knowing that he wasn't aware of having any knowledge of knowing the words that were flowing from his lips. Furthermore, the President was in an altered state of consciousness during the writing of any memos, therefore knew not what he had written nor does he know not whether what he wrote was actually what was given to Scott McClellan at the time."
When asked to clarify his statements Mr. Osnos held up two heavily bandaged fingers and simply said: "I have to go now."
A later press release from Public Affairs Books has noted that the book is being rechecked for accuracy and promises that it will be a glowing memoir of life in the most honest and dignified Administration in history.
"In fact," Osnos states: "Scott has made it clear to me that Bush knew nothing of any events taking place within his administration, and any information passed onto Scott was done only knowing that he wasn't aware of having any knowledge of knowing the words that were flowing from his lips. Furthermore, the President was in an altered state of consciousness during the writing of any memos, therefore knew not what he had written nor does he know not whether what he wrote was actually what was given to Scott McClellan at the time."
When asked to clarify his statements Mr. Osnos held up two heavily bandaged fingers and simply said: "I have to go now."
A later press release from Public Affairs Books has noted that the book is being rechecked for accuracy and promises that it will be a glowing memoir of life in the most honest and dignified Administration in history.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
3:58 PM
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November 6, 2007
Chinese Satellite Momentarily Blocks Alien Mind Control Ray
Washington DC, Transmissions from the Chinese satellite that recently entered lunar orbit interfered with an alien mind control device which is situated on the dark side of the Moon. The interference only lasted about forty five minutes, but managed to cause great chaos in Congress as many Republicans found themselves able to think independently for the first time in years.
The interruption took place as Congressman Dennis Kucinich was bringing HR. 333 to the floor, a resolution to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney. Republicans, who were expected to vote in favor of tabling the resolution found themselves suddenly able to think again, and began changing their votes in favor of debating the issue.
The change was short lived though, as soon as the secret alien overlords caught on to what was happening, they changed transmission frequencies and the Republicans in Congress slipped back into their customary drooling stupor.
Dennis Kucinich may have scored a small political victory, as the resolution was ordered to the House Judiciary committee where it may yet get a full hearing. However it is unlikely that the measure will ever reach the House floor, as the Republican members of Congress began chanting the word "Brains!" and attacking their Democratic rivals.
The interruption took place as Congressman Dennis Kucinich was bringing HR. 333 to the floor, a resolution to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney. Republicans, who were expected to vote in favor of tabling the resolution found themselves suddenly able to think again, and began changing their votes in favor of debating the issue.
The change was short lived though, as soon as the secret alien overlords caught on to what was happening, they changed transmission frequencies and the Republicans in Congress slipped back into their customary drooling stupor.
Dennis Kucinich may have scored a small political victory, as the resolution was ordered to the House Judiciary committee where it may yet get a full hearing. However it is unlikely that the measure will ever reach the House floor, as the Republican members of Congress began chanting the word "Brains!" and attacking their Democratic rivals.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
11:17 PM
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October 31, 2007
Diplomatic SWAT Team Sent to Rescue Rumsfeld
Breaking News... Washington D.C. Hot on the heels of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's brush with French authorities, the US State Department is launching a bold new diplomatic rescue effort.
The diplomatic SWAT team is the brainchild of Karen Hughes who resigned her position as the head of the State Department's Public Diplomacy Operation, so that she may head up the rescue effort herself.
"This is what we've been training for for years." Hugh's said to reporters "U.S. Officials, whether active or retired are not subject to international law, and my team has the expertise for these types of situations."
While the details of the diplomatic SWAT team are officially top secret. It is believed that it consists of twelve State Department diplomats, whom have received training in everything from Ninja pen throwing to hyper-doublespeak. It is known that over forty candidates were sent to the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation for training between 2005 and 2006, two of whom were injured in when their armored briefcases failed to stop incoming bullets.
The SWAT team has it's work cut out for them though as nobody is quite sure of Rumsfeld's current location. It's believed that he maybe hiding in an underground bunker in Berlin, but that report is still unverified.
When asked how the SWAT team would respond if Rumsfeld is taken into custody by French or other European authorities, Hughes simply replied. "That is not an option." then pulled her Ninja mask over her head and disappeared into a cloud of smoke.
The diplomatic SWAT team is the brainchild of Karen Hughes who resigned her position as the head of the State Department's Public Diplomacy Operation, so that she may head up the rescue effort herself.
"This is what we've been training for for years." Hugh's said to reporters "U.S. Officials, whether active or retired are not subject to international law, and my team has the expertise for these types of situations."
While the details of the diplomatic SWAT team are officially top secret. It is believed that it consists of twelve State Department diplomats, whom have received training in everything from Ninja pen throwing to hyper-doublespeak. It is known that over forty candidates were sent to the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation for training between 2005 and 2006, two of whom were injured in when their armored briefcases failed to stop incoming bullets.
The SWAT team has it's work cut out for them though as nobody is quite sure of Rumsfeld's current location. It's believed that he maybe hiding in an underground bunker in Berlin, but that report is still unverified.
When asked how the SWAT team would respond if Rumsfeld is taken into custody by French or other European authorities, Hughes simply replied. "That is not an option." then pulled her Ninja mask over her head and disappeared into a cloud of smoke.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
5:20 PM
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October 28, 2007
FEMA Takes Back Apology for Phony Press Conference
Washington, DC, On the heels of it's own apology for holding a phony news conference last Tuesday, FEMA Deputy Administrator Harvey Johnson announced Sunday that he was taking back his apology claiming that he was only following standard White House procedures.
Citing such personalities as Jeff Gannon, the Republican operative and former gay prostitute who was accepted into the White House Press Corps, Johnson stated that it has been U.S. government policy for almost seven years to hold phony news conferences. "Frankly, I don't understand why everyone's so upset." He stated, "it's as if I just informed everyone that Santa Claus is a myth or that the government is monitoring your bathroom habits."
Quick to respond to this latest crisis, Michael Chertoff, the head of Homeland Security which has authority over FEMA stated that while it was true that Johnson had only been following standard government procedures, it was also standard procedure in these cases to blame a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.
Michael Chertoff stepped in personally to remove Mr. Johnson of his name badge and FEMA Vest, and informed him that he could no longer tell people about FEMA's fried pickles. He was then sent overseas to an undisclosed location for re-Neducation.
Congress also acted swiftly to chastise Mr. Johnson for his remarks. Rep. Jerry Lewis (R) put forth an amendment condemning Mr. Johnson for his remarks about Santa Claus. The measure was quickly challenged by Speaker Nancy Pelosi who accused the Representative Lewis of wasting the Congress's time. She did allow the vote however which passed overwhelmingly 341-79.
Citing such personalities as Jeff Gannon, the Republican operative and former gay prostitute who was accepted into the White House Press Corps, Johnson stated that it has been U.S. government policy for almost seven years to hold phony news conferences. "Frankly, I don't understand why everyone's so upset." He stated, "it's as if I just informed everyone that Santa Claus is a myth or that the government is monitoring your bathroom habits."
Quick to respond to this latest crisis, Michael Chertoff, the head of Homeland Security which has authority over FEMA stated that while it was true that Johnson had only been following standard government procedures, it was also standard procedure in these cases to blame a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.
Michael Chertoff stepped in personally to remove Mr. Johnson of his name badge and FEMA Vest, and informed him that he could no longer tell people about FEMA's fried pickles. He was then sent overseas to an undisclosed location for re-Neducation.
Congress also acted swiftly to chastise Mr. Johnson for his remarks. Rep. Jerry Lewis (R) put forth an amendment condemning Mr. Johnson for his remarks about Santa Claus. The measure was quickly challenged by Speaker Nancy Pelosi who accused the Representative Lewis of wasting the Congress's time. She did allow the vote however which passed overwhelmingly 341-79.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
8:32 PM
2 Comments
October 20, 2007
FCC Allows Commercialization of Emergency Vehicle Frequencies
Washington, D.C., The FCC in a bold move today announced it's intention to license emergency vehicle frequencies as well as other frequencies used by municipalities around the country, for commercial use. Frequencies ranging from the 30.100 through the 900k range will be offered up to commercial media outlets under special conditions.
"It became obvious to us," said FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, "that there is a great deal of dead airtime on these frequencies, so much sometimes that police officers, fire fighters and EMT's need to periodically check their equipment to ensure that it is working." The solution, according to Mr. Martin is to license the bands to corporations that will provide a variety of music and talk entertainment. The broadcasts will be suppressed when an emergency call is coming through, but otherwise it will provide non-stop entertainment for what is often a stressful and exhausting job.
The new plan requires approval by Congress, and Democratic leaders have expressed from doubts. "If we find this proposal to be detrimental in any way," said Speaker Pelosi, "we will put on a big show of stopping it and pass it nevertheless."
Shares of Clear Channel Communications (NYSE CCU), the nation's largest media holder, jumped 10% on the release of the news.
John McNally: Contributing Writer
"It became obvious to us," said FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, "that there is a great deal of dead airtime on these frequencies, so much sometimes that police officers, fire fighters and EMT's need to periodically check their equipment to ensure that it is working." The solution, according to Mr. Martin is to license the bands to corporations that will provide a variety of music and talk entertainment. The broadcasts will be suppressed when an emergency call is coming through, but otherwise it will provide non-stop entertainment for what is often a stressful and exhausting job.
The new plan requires approval by Congress, and Democratic leaders have expressed from doubts. "If we find this proposal to be detrimental in any way," said Speaker Pelosi, "we will put on a big show of stopping it and pass it nevertheless."
Shares of Clear Channel Communications (NYSE CCU), the nation's largest media holder, jumped 10% on the release of the news.
John McNally: Contributing Writer
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
9:13 PM
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October 14, 2007
CIA Headquarters Disappears in Recursive Quantum Loop
McLean, VA. The Central Intelligence Agency in a strange combination of attempts to avoid admitting they had engaged in torture, accidentally created a recursive quantum loop which caused the organization and its employees to disappear from this universe into parts unknown.The problem began when CIA Director Michael Hayden created a committee to investigate the investigator who had been appointed to investigate the CIA Inspector General John Helgerson. The IG it seems had written a report criticizing the CIA's use of torture, rendition and the strange habit of putting mustard on their Freedom Fries. Dissatisfied with these unflattering reports, Hayden appointed a special investigator to investigate the Inspector General with the understanding that the IG was to be found at fault for everything since the Bay of Pigs Invasion in 1962.
Problems arose however when the Special Investigator reported back that there was nothing wrong with Inspector General John Heigerson's methods or conclusions. Hayden reportedly "blew a gasket" and accused the Inspector of being in league with the terrorists and hating America. Hayden then began forming a committee of investigators to get to the bottom of the whole affair which of course didn't really exist.
This is where quantum physics and the conscious universe stepped in. Since the ultimate goal of these investigations was non-existent, Hayden was essentially trying to divide by zero. The universe will only tolerate such nonsense for so long, and promptly drop kicked the entire organization into a more tolerant and forgiving universe.
As the full impact of this cosmic event takes effect, the entire history of the CIA will soon evaporate into the ether as if it never existed. The upside for the US economy will be a surge in funds, as the money formerly spent on Black Budget operations since it's founding in 1947 will now be incorporated back into the U.S. Treasury, causing an estimated surplus of 30 trillion dollars.
Since our memories of the organization will soon be erased as well, the White House has chosen not to comment on the event, but President Bush has already earmarked the 30 trillion dollars for tax relief for the struggling top 1%.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
3:24 PM
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October 10, 2007
Republican Debate Brings Innovative Ideas
Dearborn, Michigan, Last night's Republican Party debate broke with the usual banter of who's really going to lower taxes and why Social Security is to blame for Global Warming, to introduce some innovative ideas to deal with the country's increasing financial woes. While all the candidates agreed that the economy was fine, each of the major candidates had a unique approach for increasing federal revenue while continuing to lower taxes for the top 1%.
"Corporate Sponsorship of Federal buildings and National Monuments." Mitt Romney announced, feeling that he had trumped his rivals. "I already have bids from AT&T, McDonalds and Haliburton for corporate sponsorship of the Whitehouse. This will include a large neon sign flashing the logo of the sponsor in that wasted space on the roof of the Whitehouse where the flag currently resides.
Praising the booming prison industry, former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani advocated a newer, entry level police force. "These locally organized Neighborhood Watches would be organized by Block Captains and Watch Masters, who would then report to their local police. They would be the eyes and ears of the community, earning a commission for each crime they reported leading to a successful arrest."
John McCain promised to solve the nation's growing unemployment problem by offering a series of low cost college education courses on how people can make money with EBay. "Currently 50,000 people are making a living on EBAY, and they aren't burdening the corporate infrastructure with unneeded medical benefits either."
Mike Huckabee suggested eliminating income taxes all together and replacing them with a "porn tax." "It's a shameful secret that internet porn is the biggest industry in our country right now." Huckabee said, "I propose we tax it on a tiered scale, with nudie pictures at the lower end and disgusting homosexual and bisexual activity at the highest tier.
Sam Brownback outlined a detailed plan based on the Dept of Defense's "Base Reassignment and Closures" which consolidated military operations around the country. "My plan is to merge broad sections of government to make them more cost effective and efficient. Our 400+ Congressmen and women do not need to be physically in Washington for example, so I propose we merge them with the Forest Service and station them in our National Parks with a cell phone so that they can phone in their votes. Furthermore, it's become obvious that neither the FAA or the FCC does very much anymore, and both organizations involve the airways, so I propose combining them." Brownback went on further to explain that he would merge the IRS with the Dept of Transportation, creating convenient tax collecting on public roadways and the Dept of Immigration with NASA, since both organizations deal with aliens.
The only big disappointment in the debate was newcomer Fred Thompson, who fell asleep twice and mumbled something about rising unemployment being tied to international Furby trade and that the motor of the economy was driven by a small school of carp.
When asked to elaborate on this Mr. Thompson simply said "Yes." and then took another nap.
"Corporate Sponsorship of Federal buildings and National Monuments." Mitt Romney announced, feeling that he had trumped his rivals. "I already have bids from AT&T, McDonalds and Haliburton for corporate sponsorship of the Whitehouse. This will include a large neon sign flashing the logo of the sponsor in that wasted space on the roof of the Whitehouse where the flag currently resides.
Praising the booming prison industry, former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani advocated a newer, entry level police force. "These locally organized Neighborhood Watches would be organized by Block Captains and Watch Masters, who would then report to their local police. They would be the eyes and ears of the community, earning a commission for each crime they reported leading to a successful arrest."
John McCain promised to solve the nation's growing unemployment problem by offering a series of low cost college education courses on how people can make money with EBay. "Currently 50,000 people are making a living on EBAY, and they aren't burdening the corporate infrastructure with unneeded medical benefits either."
Mike Huckabee suggested eliminating income taxes all together and replacing them with a "porn tax." "It's a shameful secret that internet porn is the biggest industry in our country right now." Huckabee said, "I propose we tax it on a tiered scale, with nudie pictures at the lower end and disgusting homosexual and bisexual activity at the highest tier.
Sam Brownback outlined a detailed plan based on the Dept of Defense's "Base Reassignment and Closures" which consolidated military operations around the country. "My plan is to merge broad sections of government to make them more cost effective and efficient. Our 400+ Congressmen and women do not need to be physically in Washington for example, so I propose we merge them with the Forest Service and station them in our National Parks with a cell phone so that they can phone in their votes. Furthermore, it's become obvious that neither the FAA or the FCC does very much anymore, and both organizations involve the airways, so I propose combining them." Brownback went on further to explain that he would merge the IRS with the Dept of Transportation, creating convenient tax collecting on public roadways and the Dept of Immigration with NASA, since both organizations deal with aliens.
The only big disappointment in the debate was newcomer Fred Thompson, who fell asleep twice and mumbled something about rising unemployment being tied to international Furby trade and that the motor of the economy was driven by a small school of carp.
When asked to elaborate on this Mr. Thompson simply said "Yes." and then took another nap.
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
11:17 AM
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October 8, 2007
Scientists Propose Giant Mirrors To Protect Earth From Invasion
London, England Under the flimsy guise of protecting the Earth from an asteroid collision, a multinational taskforce of scientists have devised a plan to protect the planet from an impending invasion by a ancient alien overlord.
The plan, called the Rogue Alien Defense Initiative will send a small fleet of ships into orbit around the Earth. These ships will deploy an array of 5000 mirrors which will reflect the image of the oncoming fleet, fooling them into believing the Earth is well protected.
"We realize that it's a long shot," said Dr. Orville Hibbard, but it's the best chance we have to save the planet."
While some critics claim there is no evidence to believe there will be such an attack, those in the know have already began building bunkers to protect themselves. Those who don't believe in the existence of the evil alien overlord cannot deny the fact that merely speaking his name can bring on army of hostile lawyers armed with copyright infringements.
The estimated cost for this grandiose project is fifty billion dollars and thirty two cents. "The majority of the funding will come from the U.S. government" explained Dr. Hibbard. "The project was quietly slipped into the the SBX missile defense system budget. They didn't nickname it Star Wars for nothing."
And if the ruse fails and the Alien Overlord who must not be named invades Earth anyway?
"Then none of this really matters does it? It's win-win all around."
John McNally contributing writer
The plan, called the Rogue Alien Defense Initiative will send a small fleet of ships into orbit around the Earth. These ships will deploy an array of 5000 mirrors which will reflect the image of the oncoming fleet, fooling them into believing the Earth is well protected.
"We realize that it's a long shot," said Dr. Orville Hibbard, but it's the best chance we have to save the planet."
While some critics claim there is no evidence to believe there will be such an attack, those in the know have already began building bunkers to protect themselves. Those who don't believe in the existence of the evil alien overlord cannot deny the fact that merely speaking his name can bring on army of hostile lawyers armed with copyright infringements.
The estimated cost for this grandiose project is fifty billion dollars and thirty two cents. "The majority of the funding will come from the U.S. government" explained Dr. Hibbard. "The project was quietly slipped into the the SBX missile defense system budget. They didn't nickname it Star Wars for nothing."
And if the ruse fails and the Alien Overlord who must not be named invades Earth anyway?
"Then none of this really matters does it? It's win-win all around."
John McNally contributing writer
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
11:00 PM
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October 6, 2007
Undead Protest the Secularization of Halloween
Pittsburg, Pennsylvania, Oct 7 - Traditionally Halloween was known as the thinning of the veil between the living and the dead, a time when those who have passed on could return to the Earth in a variety of undead forms. Today however, Halloween is more likely to be associated with candy, costume parties and in many cities drunken revelry.
While some Christian groups complain about the satanic elements of the holiday, a large but often ignored group is angered at the loss of horror in the annual holiday.
"It's all ween and no Hallow!" complains Arthur Skornick a zombie who died in 1918 and now heads the Conservative Halloween Undead Defenders. "It's this darned multiculturalism it's ruining traditional society! Schools around the country are now holding Fall-o-ween celebrations and won't allow any depiction of undead individuals, be they zombies, ghosts or vampires."
Indeed, such schools as Roosevelt Elementary in Binghamton, NY have canceled traditional Halloween celebrations and replaced them with Falloween celebrations. The children are not allowed to wear any costumes depicting monsters or anything violent, nor can they dress up as witches or wizards.
Skornick has tried to file a lawsuit against Roosevelt Elementary however U.S. law does not recognize the undead as citizens. "It's discrimination pure and simple." Skornick commented.
The ramifications of these sorts of celebrations appears to be a loss of respect for undead beings. Ghost are now portrayed as "friendly" like Casper, and werewolves have been declawed by such movies as "Teen Wolf" and even the fearsome Dracula has been defanged by such cute characters as the Muppet's Count. This along with the increase in teenage partying on Halloween has led to an erosion of human - undead relations.
"With the drinking and the drugs there's no proper fear anymore either. Last year my friends and I caught a group of teenagers partying in a field As I crept up on this girl to bite her and eat her brains, she turned around and kissed me right on the mouth! It was disgusting! All that warm living flesh, UGH! And then she has the nerve to tell me I need a breath mint! I mean we invented the term death breath for a reason you know."
When asked what recourse the Conservative Halloween Undead Defenders had Mr. Skornick replied: "Well we're not going to roll over and play dead I tell you what! We're immortal and we have a lot of brains, in fact we eat more every day. Ultimately, everyone joins us and when we have a majority, we'll be able to affect some real changes in society."
While some Christian groups complain about the satanic elements of the holiday, a large but often ignored group is angered at the loss of horror in the annual holiday.
"It's all ween and no Hallow!" complains Arthur Skornick a zombie who died in 1918 and now heads the Conservative Halloween Undead Defenders. "It's this darned multiculturalism it's ruining traditional society! Schools around the country are now holding Fall-o-ween celebrations and won't allow any depiction of undead individuals, be they zombies, ghosts or vampires."
Indeed, such schools as Roosevelt Elementary in Binghamton, NY have canceled traditional Halloween celebrations and replaced them with Falloween celebrations. The children are not allowed to wear any costumes depicting monsters or anything violent, nor can they dress up as witches or wizards.
Skornick has tried to file a lawsuit against Roosevelt Elementary however U.S. law does not recognize the undead as citizens. "It's discrimination pure and simple." Skornick commented.
The ramifications of these sorts of celebrations appears to be a loss of respect for undead beings. Ghost are now portrayed as "friendly" like Casper, and werewolves have been declawed by such movies as "Teen Wolf" and even the fearsome Dracula has been defanged by such cute characters as the Muppet's Count. This along with the increase in teenage partying on Halloween has led to an erosion of human - undead relations.
"With the drinking and the drugs there's no proper fear anymore either. Last year my friends and I caught a group of teenagers partying in a field As I crept up on this girl to bite her and eat her brains, she turned around and kissed me right on the mouth! It was disgusting! All that warm living flesh, UGH! And then she has the nerve to tell me I need a breath mint! I mean we invented the term death breath for a reason you know."
When asked what recourse the Conservative Halloween Undead Defenders had Mr. Skornick replied: "Well we're not going to roll over and play dead I tell you what! We're immortal and we have a lot of brains, in fact we eat more every day. Ultimately, everyone joins us and when we have a majority, we'll be able to affect some real changes in society."
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
11:09 PM
1 Comments
October 5, 2007
Ed and Elaine Brown Cowtow To Authorities
Breaking News
Fairfield, New Hampshire - October 4, 2007
Ed and Elaine Brown, the convicted tax dodgers surrendered peacefully to authorities tonight, after U.S. Marshalls made them an offer they couldn't refuse. Acting on information provided by Daniel Riley after his arrest last week, authorities realized that they had an irresistible lure for the Browns.
The Browns were holed up in their New Hampshire home with several months supply of breakfast cereals, chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter and jelly, and an assortment of cake and brownie mixes. However, without the support of Riley and three other friends of the Browns they had no supply of fresh milk.
U.S. Marshall Stephen Monier decided to put away his guns and instead set up a picnic table with a cooler packed with ice cold, organic milk. He and the other Marshalls sat around talking and drinking, while pointing at each other's milk mustaches and laughing.
After about ten minutes, the Browns called down that they would surrender if each of them could first have a 12 ounce glass of milk. Monier agreed and the Browns were peacefully taken into custody.
John McNally, contributing writer
Fairfield, New Hampshire - October 4, 2007
Ed and Elaine Brown, the convicted tax dodgers surrendered peacefully to authorities tonight, after U.S. Marshalls made them an offer they couldn't refuse. Acting on information provided by Daniel Riley after his arrest last week, authorities realized that they had an irresistible lure for the Browns.
The Browns were holed up in their New Hampshire home with several months supply of breakfast cereals, chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter and jelly, and an assortment of cake and brownie mixes. However, without the support of Riley and three other friends of the Browns they had no supply of fresh milk.
U.S. Marshall Stephen Monier decided to put away his guns and instead set up a picnic table with a cooler packed with ice cold, organic milk. He and the other Marshalls sat around talking and drinking, while pointing at each other's milk mustaches and laughing.
After about ten minutes, the Browns called down that they would surrender if each of them could first have a 12 ounce glass of milk. Monier agreed and the Browns were peacefully taken into custody.
John McNally, contributing writer
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
12:27 AM
0 Comments
October 4, 2007
Senator Craig Not Gay But CIA
Washington, Oct 4 - Senator Larry E Craig of Idaho revealed today that he is not in fact a homosexual, but a CIA operative who was trying to pass secret messages in the Minnesota airport bathroom.
"At the time of my arrest, I was in fact an operative for the CIA, on a mission of National Security." Senator Craig stated at a press conference. "Officer Karsnia interfered with my mission and endangered the national security. In short, he's helping the terrorists win. The man I was intending to meet, was going to provide me hard information on the underhanded behavior that these terrorists engage in. I was very close to the climax of this investigation when Officer Karsnia blew my cover."
When asked for proof of these allegations by reporters the Senator replied: "Go ask the CIA, they'll deny it then you'll know it's true."
In fact the CIA has denied any connection to the Senator, and the Minnesota Airport Police Dept insists that no one blew anything on the Senator that June afternoon. This was enough for top Republicans to welcome Senator Craig back into the fold with open arms, and denounced the Minnesota Airport Police as a bunch of phony cops who like to kiss and tell.
John McNally contributing writer
"At the time of my arrest, I was in fact an operative for the CIA, on a mission of National Security." Senator Craig stated at a press conference. "Officer Karsnia interfered with my mission and endangered the national security. In short, he's helping the terrorists win. The man I was intending to meet, was going to provide me hard information on the underhanded behavior that these terrorists engage in. I was very close to the climax of this investigation when Officer Karsnia blew my cover."
When asked for proof of these allegations by reporters the Senator replied: "Go ask the CIA, they'll deny it then you'll know it's true."
In fact the CIA has denied any connection to the Senator, and the Minnesota Airport Police Dept insists that no one blew anything on the Senator that June afternoon. This was enough for top Republicans to welcome Senator Craig back into the fold with open arms, and denounced the Minnesota Airport Police as a bunch of phony cops who like to kiss and tell.
John McNally contributing writer
Labels: Satire
posted by John at
11:05 PM
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